


What is a Home?

by MaddiRae14



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Artist Clarke Griffin, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Homeless Lexa, Lexa POV, Minor Character Death, No Anya/Raven, No Octavia/Lincoln, Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23536282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddiRae14/pseuds/MaddiRae14
Summary: Dreams never turn out how they are supposed to. Life never turns out as expected, whether for the better or worse. Lexa had a plan but plans change and we evolve. One night changed her life and her dreams for the worse but can one day change her life for the better?Clarke has had everything she has ever asked for in her life. She has her own art gallery and a successful artist but lately she feels like something is missing. She's been stumped and lost inspiration for her art so she has been looking for it in many different places. Will she find it?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 78
Kudos: 235





	1. Chapter 1

Life never turns out as you expected it too, for the better or worse. Dreams are not reality, that is what I learned throughout the 23 years of my life. All my life, I had believed that my life would be different, although I was too young then to get into any deep, realistic dreams as I wanted to be an astronaut ballerina. It was a few months later, when they found you cradling your stuffed bunny, Mr. Buggs, while your parents laid prone on the ground, reality had slapped you in the face. The sound of sirens ripped through the quiet of the night a few minutes (or hours, you couldn’t tell how long) later, then the lights followed and then a bunch of people stormed in through the open door. They found her and a nice cop picked her up and took her to her car and that was the night that her life changed. 

The rookie cop that found her was Anya Forrester. They went to the station after and the nice cop let her sit at her desk, gave her a cookie and clean scrubs to wear. Anya hung out with her while doing some paperwork and I pretended to do the same with scratch paper and crayons. At some point, another lady joined us, but she was older and scarier. The old lady tried to take me away from Anya, but I didn’t want to go. The lady was getting angry and was trying to grab my arm, but I jumped off my chair and Anya stepped up to the lady as I darted behind her legs. Anya kept the mean lady away from me and from that night on I lived with her.  
Life with Anya was great. Anya lived with her partner, Lincoln, in an apartment. Lincoln taught me how to throw a baseball and she taught me how to beat him at chess. Since they were both rookies, they switched shifts so that one of them could be home with me. Sometimes when they both had to work, they would get the neighbor’s kid to watch and stay the night with me. One night, they both had to work and the neighbor kid was watching me, it was late and we fell asleep on the couch watching movies. There was a banging on the door and my babysitter got up and on the other side of that door were two uniformed officers, one was named Jerry, he liked to give me donuts when I was at the station. Jerry was looking at the ground while holding his hat, he said that there was an accident. I didn’t really understand what kind of accident until a couple years later, when I read the article explaining the shooting that killed my new family. 

I had dreams of becoming a cop for years after living with Anya and Lincoln. Unfortunately the years in the foster system snuffed those dreams, bouncing from home to home. They all looked at me like I was a kicked puppy at first, but as I grew those looks transformed to looks of distrust. At some point the foster parents stop asking your story. I played soccer throughout high school, but that all ended when I graduated. It seemed like everything ended when I graduated, if I had known it was going to be like this I would have gotten a job and saved money. None of my foster parents had given me anything or money for the future. 

At first it was hard, but as the days went by, I accepted my fate. It was a week after I graduated, I turned 18 and was emancipated and kicked out of my last foster house. I left with the last of my belongings in my worn but trusty backpack and started walking. I left that town and went through the next one and the one after that. I came upon a small town named Polis, at first I didn’t know why I felt some attachment to this small town but then I remembered. When I was 6, I lived in a small town with my mom and dad, named Polis. Anya and Lincoln also lived there, so even if I had no home, but this place was and will always be home. Lexa Woods was homeless. 

I struggled with figuring out how to survive at first, but then it got easier. The looks on other people’s faces were the worst but somehow I got over that too. They would look at you with pity or disdain because you were just a dirty, reckless teen on the side of the road. Most of the time your belly would be empty for a couple days, but you survived. Now it has been 5 years and nothing has changed, I sit in the park now with the warmth of the rays on my face. My backpack and sleeping bag sit next to the bench as I wait for the last of the sun go down and the other people to leave before I lay back, using my sleeping bag as a pillow, and wait for the stars to come out. 

It is starting to get warmer out. Summer has always been your favorite time of the year as the warmth seeps through your bones and the voices of children laughing as they play in the sprinklers. This is what brings a smile on your face, when you are struggling to find food or shelter when it rains or when the snow comes and you’re shivering and cold. Children smiling and laughing and not having a care in the world is what makes you happy and feel that joy. I used to think that I was envious of them, that they get to be that happy and joyful when your childhood was so bad and completely opposite from theirs. Then you realize, you aren’t envious, but extremely happy for them and that’s why you love watching them. The smiles and laughter ringing in your ears, you could not be happier. You always wanted children of your own some day, but the dream seemed to have faded especially because you are a lesbian and homeless.

As the sun sets, I look to the sky and point out the few constellations that my father taught me before he passed. He used to tell me ancient mythologies (Greek, Roman, Nordic, and many more versions) when I went to bed, talking about the many gods and goddesses and heroes. We would camp out in the backyard and look at the stars, he would tell me about their stories and how they ended up in the skies. My favorite was Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, also known as the big and little dipper. It is a Roman mythology and Jupiter had an affair with a beautiful woman named Callisto and she had given birth to a son, Arcas. Juno was jealous and enraged so she turned Calisto into a bear. Arcas was adopted and grew up to be a hunter. One day Callisto found Arcas, and rushed towards him so full of joy. Arcas thought he was under attack and fired an arrow, but before it could hit his mother, Jupiter came and caught it. Jupiter then turned Arcas into a bear and threw them both into the heavens so that they could live peacefully in the stars. I remember asking him to tell me that story all the time.

I had the Ursa Major and Minor constellations tattooed on my sternum above my heart to remind me of my father. This kid was an apprentice at a tattoo parlor and needed a test subject as you would. He was in the park when he saw you and offered to buy you food if you would let him test his skills a few times. It was a good deal for a while, he tried tribal and geometric designs, but then he moved and the once stable food supply was gone. I miss him every once in a while, it was nice to see someone be kind and ambitious. To be so happy and strive to achieve dreams that seem so close but yet so far. I wish I had dreams, but I can’t afford it, I have to live day by day. It was the little moments that are worth it, as I lay and stare at the Ursa Major and stroke my tattoo on my chest, remembering the days when life was carefree and exciting.  
There is so much sadness in the world and that is what makes you want to hold onto the little happiness that comes your way. The laughing children playing in the sprinklers. Before I could close my eyes and fall asleep there was a sound of crying. I sat up and looked around and a bench a little ways away, there sat a young blonde woman. It looked like she had books and papers all around her and she had her head in her hands. She glanced up and saw me looking at her. She had beautiful blonde hair and the sun was setting perfectly over the lake behind her. She took a deep breath, then gathered her stuff and left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More insight in Lexa's life and a few moments from her past. Some friendships are introduced and hopefully more relationships to come. Enjoy!
> 
> Memories and flashbacks are in italics.

_“Did you know that the nickname for orcas is killer whale, but it is a mistranslation because they were originally called whale killers.” I said excitedly, from my spot on Anya’s back. She always gives me piggy-back rides after school on our way to get ice cream._

_“Is that so? Where did you learn that?” Anya laughs._

_“Well, I read it in this new book that the library got. Mrs. Leopold ran out of books for me.” I tightened my hold as Anya jumped over a crack on the sidewalk. “I like animals, especially sea creatures.”_

_“Have you made any new friends lately? I know you’ve been trying so hard to make friends.” Anya always worried about me making friends, she was nice that way. “How about that little girl that you were talking to on your way out?”_

_“Hannah? No, she says only losers read books. Mrs. Leopold is my friend, she gives me books and lets me tell her facts, like you! You’re my very best friend though!” We started to slow down as we came closer to the ice cream stand and Anya set me down but held onto my hand. “Will you help me with my maths homework? Subtraction is very hard.” I looked up to see Anya shaking her head, smiling at me._

_“Of course squirt! Now, what flavor do you want today?” She said, smiling and lifting me up again to see all of the flavors in the cart._

There, across the street from where I sat, stood the ice cream cart that Anya, and Lincoln sometimes, took me after school. The same man runs the stand, albeit older now with gray and thinning hair. He still has the twinkle in his eye and smile as kids run up to his stand. I wonder sometimes if he knows who I am, if he remembers that I am the kid that would come to his stand with Anya almost everyday after school.

Most of my days are spent watching people, kind of creeping when you just blurted out, but it isn’t stalking, it’s observing. You can learn a lot by the way people interact with others and how they carry themselves, but you can never learn who they are without speaking to them. For some strange reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about that woman in the park. Who she is and what the reason was that made her so sad. Unfortunately, I may never see her again, but that doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t leave my mind.

I got up from my spot on the sidewalk, swinging my backpack on my shoulder and picking up my sleeping bag, before walking down the street aimlessly. Mind drifting back to the woman last night. What made her so sad? She was nicely dressed, hair in an elegant style, and had a purse that looked classy. Why was she so sad? That question replayed and replayed in my mind and I didn’t have the answers.

I came to a stop at a cafe, Grounders. It was a nice hole in the wall cafe where college kids studied and families came in for a snack after the park. I walked down the alleyway and sat next to the trash bin and waited because today was Tuesday. On Tuesday, a nice barista works and at the end of the day she brings out the old pastries that they don’t sell and gives them to me in a bag. The first time, she saw me trying to get out of the rain, and out of pity gave me the bag instead of throwing it away. Over the days, the pity started to go away and the barista started talking to her more.

The door flew open and Echo, the barista, came out for her break. “Hey! How’s it going? Haven’t seen you in a while.” She smiles, the pity is gone and now she is considered a friend.

“I have other things to do and people to see.” I say with a smirk at her.

“And here I thought I was special!” Echo says as she slides down the wall to sit next to me. “What have you been up to?” She hands me a cappuccino and a croissant.

“Thanks! Awe, you put bacon on it! Are you in love with me?” I joke, taking a bite out of the delicious croissant in my hands. Echo was a fun person to hang and joke around with. “How did you know I was here?”

“Haha, very funny. You know I have a boyfriend and I saw you from the front window.” We sat in silence for a little bit. “ So what’s been on your mind and don’t say nothing because you have that far off look on your face.”

I looked at her face and thought for a moment. Fighting whether or not to tell her about the girl in the park or to tell her about the ice cream stand or that in a few weeks it will be the anniversary of Jerry knocking on the door with his hat in his hands. There is so much sadness in the world, and it’s hard to process most of the times. “I know that we aren’t the closest of friends, but if you ever need anything or want to talk about anything, you can come to me.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

“I’m okay. There is always a lot going on, it’s not easy to be a person.”

“You are always very cryptic and would make a very good philosopher.” She lifted her arm and nudged my shoulder.

“I just see a lot of things. Most people don’t take the time to slow down and see.” I looked down at the cup and took a deep breath. “There was a girl in the park. She was crying and looked lost. No one should ever have to feel lost.” There was a moment of silence, there was nothing left to be said. They didn’t need to elaborate on it.

“Alright, well I will be back here in a couple hours to give you a bag of goodies like the Santa Claus I am.” Echo said as she stood up and headed towards the door.

“Thanks Echo.” I gave her a small smile and finished eating the croissant and drink. Echo was kind to me, even tried to help me get a job there but the manager doesn’t like me. He thinks I am a homeless druggy as do most of the people in this town. That is sort of the reason why she doesn’t have a job, even though agencies do come to the homeless shelters to help some of the families and older people to get jobs. I went to interviews but they always passed me up, but I couldn’t hang my head when parents of the children would have the biggest smile on their faces when they now had a way to support that family.

_“Mommy, why do you have to go to work? Don’t you want to stay with me and play cowboys? I tried to play cowboys with the other kids, but Jared said girls can’t be cowboys.” I said trying to hold onto mom’s pant leg._

_“That isn’t true at all sweetheart.” She got down on her knees and held my arms, looking in my eyes, “You can be anything you want, whatever your heart desires. I wanted to be a nurse but all the boys thought I wasn’t smart enough, but look at me now.”_

_“You’re a nurse now mommy!” I said excitedly and wrapped my arms around her neck._

_“Yes I am! Now, I have to go to work, but how about I take you and you can hang out with the other kids in the hospital. You can make them happy, right? Cause some of them can use a friend right now.”_

_“I can be the bestest friend!” I stated proudly as mom picked me up and carried me to the car. “I can do puzzles and color with them.”_

_“You sure are, little bug. Now let’s go.” With that she walked us out of the house._

It was two weeks later when I saw her again. I had picked some flowers along the way, mostly dandelions. I opened the gate and walked to the seventh row and then turned right until I came to the marble headstone, Anya Forrester. I crouched down and set my bag and sleeping bag to the side. I laid the flowers in front of her headstone and smiled, remembering the happy times. I was there for about 2 hours later when I heard footsteps.

It was the same blonde from the park, but now here she was in a blue dress, heels, and a big bouquet of flowers in her hands. It didn’t seem like she noticed me yet, but I couldn’t say anything, I was frozen. She was muttering and looked upset about something, and was coming closer and closer. I looked back down, trying to remain unnoticed.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you. I didn’t mean to ruin anything.” Her voice was melodic. She had a slight accent, although I couldn’t decipher where exactly which type. I was too engrossed in staring at her and now it was beginning to be awkward.

“Oh. Um... no, you’re fine. I was just, uh, visiting an old friend.” I stammered out, pointing to Anya’s grave with the small, sad bouquet of wildflowers.

“I get it. This is my dad.” She pointed to a grave a few headstones away. “It’s his birthday tomorrow and I won’t be able to visit then, so I came today.” Her voice was wavering.

“Oh, I’m sorry you can’t do that. It, uh, sucks that you have to, uh, change your traditions. I mean. Not that I know you or how long it’s, uh, been, but I get that, uh, wanting to keep traditions.” I said, sneaking small glances but not meeting her eyes. She moved to kneel next to her father’s gravestone, flowers now on the ground between them, and she had a small smile on her face looking at me.

“It’s okay. It’s nice to talk to someone who gets it.” She had unshed tears in her eyes and she was really looking at me. “I’m Clarke. Clarke Griffin.” She stretched out her hand towards me. Her perfectly manicured hand with light blue nail polish. I lift up my hand. My dirty, filthy hand with some scars and worry that she’ll look at it and pull her hand away or comment on it. She surprises me by taking my hand and shaking it, smiling at me.

“Lexa. Lexa Woods.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hope you guys like more of the story. I'll try to update regularly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Further Clexa development. Clarke opens up a little in the cemetery and did someone say summer festival?

“Robins symbolize passion and new beginnings.” I stated softly. We had moved to an awkward silence after the handshake. Both of us taking the time to pay our respects to our loved ones before acknowledging each other again. My eyes wandered after sometime and landed on a robin in a nearby tree. “Anya told me that.”

“That’s sweet. I wonder what it would feel like to be able to fly.” Clarke said looking up at the bird as well. “To be free to travel and have nothing to tie you down.”

“I would worry about getting lost, but most migratory birds actually have an internal compass that helps them know they are going the right way and leads them home.” I looked over to catch her staring at me. I felt my cheeks flush and looked back down to hide my face. “Sometimes being tied down helps us to not float away.”

“What if there are too many ties?” She comes closer and sits next to me. “What if there are too many ties that pull you in different directions?” 

I look over to see her with her hands in her lap with a somber look on her face. I slide a little closer to her, trying to comfort her. “Then maybe it is time to fly again and find your home. Ropes with knots can form a cage and no soul should be caged.”

“That’s very insightful.” I look up again to see her giving me a big smile. My heart skips a beat and my mind blanks. I don’t know how to react, this beautiful woman is smiling at me and speaking to me like a friend instead of a random homeless person. I always hate to pass judgement but people usually dressed like her never give me the time of day. “ So Anya, she was your friend?”

“My very best friend.” I nod somenly, unshed tears stinging the corners of my eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry.” Clarke tries to backtrack. “I don’t know why I would ask that. I mean I hate it when people ask how my dad died. I’m being extremely impersonal.” She tried to get up but I grabbed her wrist. I didn’t want her to leave, I wanted to spend more time with her.

“It’s okay. It was a long time ago. I miss talking about her sometimes, she was such a big part of my life but no one seems to know that. Does that make me a bad person?” I worried about what was going to happen to me after she was gone, but I was heartbroken when the mean lady came again and Anya wasn’t there. They said I didn’t speak for a long time. They took me to a doctor who let me draw, but he kept asking me questions. Questions that I didn’t know the meaning of so I just kept drawing. 

“My dad died two years ago. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. He was fine one minute and the next he was gone.” Clarke wipes at her eyes. “Lately, I haven’t been able to focus. That day just keeps replaying in my mind, over and over. I can’t get my mom’s voice out of my head. Her telling me that he was in the hospital and wasn’t going to make it.”

I take her hand as she starts to tremble. “I wish I can tell you that the pain will go away, but it never will. It gets better over time, but it never fully goes away. It will hurt less and less, and eventually you will be able to smile when you think of them. They way they loved you and your love for them, that is forever.” 

“Thank you.” I look over to see her eyes, her ocean blue eyes looking into mine. There is no pity or shame or disdain. Just her eyes looking into mine and seeing nothing else but me. 

We sat there for a while longer before getting up and heading towards the gate. We walked side by side, close but not touching. I open the small gate and hold it open for her to pass. I came to a stop as we started to approach her car. It was a sleek black BMW with a nice leather interior. It looked comfortable while still classy. I wondered what it would be like to ride in a car like that. I knew that a BMW was an expensive car so Clarke must have a decent job, but then again for me any job would be decent. 

“Can I drop you off somewhere?” Clarke asked. She had her keys in her hand and was looking at me expectantly. 

“Oh, um, no. I’m just going to head back into town.” I said taking a couple steps backwards, putting some space between us. “It’s just a short walk. Plus I don’t want to dirty up your car.” I looked down at my worn pair of jeans and an old band t-shirt someone dropped off at the shelter. It’s been a while since I was able to thoroughly wash them, but I try not to get them too dirty.

“Oh, okay.” We stood there for a few moments just looking at each other. “I just want to say thank you again for today. You really helped me feel better.” She unlocked her door and went to get in her car before standing back up, playing with her fingers. “Thank you for keeping me company today.”

“Anytime.” I give her a warm smile, looking into her deep blue eyes. She climbs back into her car and slowly starts the car, driving off. I start the trek into town, letting my mind drift off to the previous encounter. It was nice to share a moment with someone who understands the loss of a loved one, although no one deserves to feel that pain. 

It was now the beginning of June and the town of Polis was getting ready for some summer festivities. This weekend was the annual Polis Summer Festival. It was a big event for the small town, there are booths for local farmers and artisans, games, as well as food stands. I had always had good memories of the festival, especially since her father is the one who won Mr. Buggs on a duck shooting game booth. 

_ “Hey little bear, did you know that when your mommy and I first met I won her a teddy bear from that booth.” My father whispered from his crouched position next to me. Although not quiet enough that my mother did not hear.  _

_ “Really Gustus? That was like 10 years ago, you can’t keep bragging about that. I doubt you’d still be able to win it.” My mother scoffed from the other side of me. They had an amazing relationship and would always joke around and egg the other on.  _

_ “Your lack of faith in my abilities to win a stuffed animal from a festival booth pains me, my dear Becca.” He holds a hand to his chest in faux despair causing me to giggle.  _

_ “I believe you can do it daddy! You can do anything!” I exclaim, throwing my arms around him.  _

_ “Ah! I have extra strength now cause my little bear believes in me!” _

_ “I will always believe in you daddy!” _

_ “That’s my little bear. Now let’s go win a prize!” He yells, throwing me up on his shoulders and jogs to the booth. It was 10 minutes later I was holding a brand new stuffed bunny while my father held my hand with a smug grin and my mother rolling her eyes with a small smile.  _

The festival was in full swing within an hour of setting up. Everyone was there walking to different booths, children running and playing with their friends. I slowly walked, observing the different people and booths. There was a little girl selling hand made flower berets while another stand was occupied by an older couple selling local honey. 

At the end of the aisle was a booth selling artwork. Exceptional artwork. There were some portraits, some landscapes, even some photographs. As I made my way through the booth I came upon a piece that I couldn’t tear my eyes away. It was a small canvas, but it was of a little kid in an astronaut suit looking up into the sky at the stars. The colors were memorizing, the ground and kid was a dark silhouette and the sky started as a light blue then gradually went to black. The thing that stood out most was that the astronaut kid was staring at the big dipper. My hand immediately went to my collarbone to run my fingers along my tattoo.

I was so entranced with the painting that I didn’t hear anyone come up from behind me. A hand came up to my shoulder, causing me to jump. 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.” I turn to see Clarke standing right next to me. “I didn’t think you would be here. What brings you to my booth?” She cocks her head and smiles at me. 

“Oh! Um...yeah, I tried to come every year. My parents used to take me here.” I try to say without stuttering, still trying to get over the jump scare and the fact that the gorgeous blonde is in front of me now.

“Used to? Do they not live here anymore?” She asks, a little confused.

“Oh, no. They passed when I was little.” I shyly state as I run my fingers through my hair, not making eye contact with her. She already knows that I lost a friend and now she may think I’m a strange person with a lot of death following me. 

“Damn it! There I go putting my foot in my mouth again.” She starts to blush and look down. I can barely hear her mumble “get it together Clarke”.

“It’s okay.” It was starting to get awkward, neither of us knowing how to get over the sensitive topic. “You said that this was your booth?” I ask as I point around the booth. 

“Yes! It is for some of my works that I mess around with and to promote my gallery.” Clarke explained. “Not all the works are mine though, I have a couple of friend’s and co-worker’s works here.”

“There are some magnificent pieces here.” I state watching a blush creep onto her cheeks. I couldn’t help turning back around to the astronaut piece. “Did you paint this one?” I couldn’t help but ask. 

“Yes, it is one of my favorite pieces. I painted it when I first lost my dad.” Clarke slides up beside me. Her shoulder brushing against my arm and I can’t help but blush and look down. 

“It is beautiful. My dad used to tell me the stories of the constellations, his favorite was about the big and little dipper, also known as Ursa major and Ursa minor. He used to call me his little bear.” My voice is quiet and wistful as I stare at the piece. Tears stinging my eyes. Clarke then moves from beside me and grabs it, taking it off the wall. She then turns around and hands it to me.

“Here. I want you to have it.” She pushes it towards me.

“Oh no. I couldn’t possibly take it.” I push it back towards her, trying to respectfully decline the gracious gift. 

“No, I want you to have it.” She tries to force it into my hands. “No one else will ever love or cherish this piece as much as you.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t afford it.” I try to brush it off. 

“Then let me take you out on a date. That is my price.” My eyes widened in shock. Here was this drop dead gorgeous woman trying to give me an expensive looking painting and offering to take me on a date. I haven’t been out with anyone since high school, 5 years ago. I didn’t know what to say and Clarke was staring at me expectantly. I kept opening and closing my mouth. My brain was short-circuiting and running around in circles. And then words left my mouth. 

“Okay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while since my last update. Let me know what y'all think. When I originally started this story I was only going to write in Lexa's pov but I'm thinking about maybe doing a couple in Clarke's pov, what do y'all think?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's POV and introduces some insight in her life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here is another quick update to get this story rolling. Let me know what you guys think. I can always use constructive criticism, just know that I am far from being a professional writer so any advice is greatly appreciated! I will try to update regularly but I cannot make any promises. Thank you all for the kudos and comments!

“Damn it!” A loud crash followed, the sound reverberating off the walls. Another useless work in the trash. Nothing was good enough lately. Every artist will tell you that you are the harshest critic of your artwork, but when I sat down to start this piece, one line led to another and it was just a big jumbled mess at the end. I guess you can say that it is an insight to an overactive mind and anyone else may have told you it was an amazing work. It wasn’t, there was nothing.

I look down at my paint covered hands, hands that haven’t produced a single piece of artwork in about 2 months. Not very sufficient when your life depends on your work, but you can’t seem to be able to make something significant. Even when my father died I had made some really inspiring pieces, ones that were dark and sorrowful but were moving. I believe that if you can’t be moved by my artwork then it isn’t worth putting out there. Artwork is supposed to be expressive and everyone should be able to incorporate something. 

I honestly don’t know what is going on in my head. My artwork reached people and grew popularity, then I was able to open a successful gallery. I had a nice apartment with good neighbors and really good friends that had stood by my side when things got tough and the first to congratulate me on my successes. My relationship with my mother has gotten better, it was strained for a while but when my dad died we started to grow closer. My mother is a trauma surgeon at the local hospital, she used to be at a big city hospital but had moved back once Jake died to help reconnect. 

I looked down at the growing pile of broken canvases and felt a tug in my chest. It’s been exhausting wracking my brain for any inspiration and came up empty every time. I stood from my stool and walked to the small sink in the corner of the studio to rinse as much paint off my hands as I could. Even when I scrub really hard, there always seems to be a spot left behind. I figured there was no point in being here any longer, seeing as I have been sitting here for over 7 hours with nothing to show for. 

“Hey Octavia, I think I am going to head out for the day.” Octavia has been one of my best friends since college, we had a wild ride and never grew apart afterwards. We started out as roommates that didn’t really have anything to do with one another, but one night after the Finn incident at a party we have been inseparable. I went on to get my art major and she went on to get a business major and now she helps me run my gallery.

“Sure thing Griffin! It’ll be good for you to get some fresh air.” She says a little concerned. She knows that I have been struggling lately but doesn’t want to overstep. 

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll head to the park for a bit. See if anything inspires me.” I shrug on my bag and make sure I have my keys before heading out the door. I head towards the park on the west side of town. It is a nice city park that extends out to the national forest and has been a spot with many memories. 

I find an open bench by the lake and sit there for a while trying to clear my mind. After a while I take out my sketch book and start small sketches of birds, people, and anything that catches my eye but none of them turn out right. Something is always off and it’s extremely frustrating. I slam my book closed and look out to the lake and let my mind wander off. 

_ “Daddy! Daddy! Look at what I drew at school today!” I run with my masterpiece in my hands displaying it to my dad while my over sized backpack bounces around. My mom trailed behind me, having heard all about my day and my glorious drawing on the way home from school.  _

_ “Oh wow. This is amazing darling. Look at those details.” He crouches down looking at the drawing over my shoulder. “Is that when you and I went camping?” _

_ “Yeah! We’s roasting marshmallows!” _

_ “Mrs. Carter said she wouldn’t put her art supplies away for recess and then almost threw a fit when it was time to start her maths.” My mother states as she gives my dad a hug. She was still wearing her scrubs and it was one of those rare days when she was able to pick me up from school. She worked a lot but tried to make time for us, but that always doesn’t work out. “Clarke, run inside, put your stuff away and then you can have a snack.” _

_ “Yes mommy!” I hand over my masterpiece to my dad and run inside.  _

_ “Well when you have a daughter this talented and passionate, it’s hard to punish her for that.” Jake chuckles while walking towards the house.  _

_ “Oh Jake, you spoil that child to no extent. I don’t mind if she paints but she’s got to listen to her teachers.” Abby says sternly, wrapping her arms around Jake’s bicep. _

_ “Oh I know dear, but I wasn’t the easiest student back in the day.” They share a laugh, him giving her a kiss on the temple as they walk through the door. “Hey Clarke! How would you like to roast hot dogs and s’mores tonight!”  _

_ “You are so bad!” Abby laughs while pinching Jake in the ribs. Jake tries to escape the onslaught of his wife to no avail, but there is hope when he hears excited feet running down the stairs. His little girl will always help defend him. _

The sun was starting to set and I hadn’t realized that I had started to cry. After two years, I was starting to forget his smile or the twinkle in his eye when he would joke around. My dad had always been the biggest rock in my life and it has been really hard without him. I was really scared when I first came out as a bisexual in high school but he had wrapped his arms around me and said as long as he still gets to be a grandpa one day it doesn’t matter who I love. It breaks my heart that he won’t be able to experience being a grandpa now. 

A sob racks through my body and I couldn’t stand to be there anymore. I start to grab my stuff when I look behind me and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Not too far away, there was a woman laying on a bench looking over at me with curiosity. She had long brunette hair that fell in waves and a sharp jawline. Her clothes were hung a little off her body but still showed that she had a nice figure. I could tell that she was settling down for the night and I wondered if she had a place to stay. Someone walked past me, breaking me out of my trance and I quickly packed up my stuff and left. 

On my walk home I couldn’t get the mysterious woman out of my mind. She seemed to be around my age but I couldn’t tell for sure. I pushed open my door to my apartment only to find my roommate sitting on the counter eating cereal.

“What’s up chica?” Raven greets before shoving some fruit loops into her mouth.

“When am I not going to be surprised coming in and seeing you perched on different furniture with sugary foods?” I joke, setting my bag on the hooks by the door.

“We’ve been living together for 5 years, it’s not my fault you haven’t acclimated to my wild ways.” Raven laughs. “Plus I’m an engineer, I live off of coffee and sugar. No need to pass judgement when you’re just jealous that I don’t have to watch my figure.” She waves her spoon at me. 

“Ha ha, very funny! I’m going to take a shower but what would you say to pizza and a movie tonight?” 

“Hell yeah chica! As long as it’s an action movie though. Mama didn’t get to blow anything up today.” 

“Whatever your heart desires Rae.” I chuckle walking back into my room.

  
  


Even though my relationship with my mother has gotten better, there were still some kinks to work out. Abigail Griffin was a world-renowned surgeon and with that popularity came banquets and events. Events that she expected her daughter to attend, preferably with a date but if not, there were plenty of suitors to choose out for me. It just so happens that there is a banquet being held on the evening of my father’s birthday and as always my mother expected me to dress to the nines and bring a date.

It was two days ago when she told me and I have been trying every excuse to get out of it, to no avail. She even sent me a new dress to wear that evening. So to make up for not being able to come out tomorrow, I left work early and went and picked up flowers from the boutique next door and made my way out of town towards the cemetery. I was lost in my mind as I parked the car and walked to the gate. 

_ Ding _ . “Ouch! Motherfucker.” I hiss and start to rub my knee. “Way to go Clarke. It’s not like you are walking for the first time in your life, can you get anymore clumsier?” I mumble to myself. Not only can I not visit my father tomorrow as I have an installation that I have to supervise and then my mother’s banquet, but now I can’t even walk through a stupid gate. My feet take me to the gravestone that I know by heart when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I snap my head up, seeing the same mysterious brunette from the park. 

She was wearing the same worn clothes and had a pack right next to her. She was crouched next to a grave with a small bouquet of wildflowers. Apologies started to fly out of my mouth and then she looked up at me and all I see are green eyes. Eves that remind me of a virgin forest or emerald stones. Light and deep green swirling together, pulling me in and wrapping around me in a tight grip with no escape, not that I wanted one. 

This woman was gorgeous and the way she stuttered over her words made my heart leap. I took my time to greet my father and change out the old flowers with the new. I could feel her eyes on me, a warmth filling my body, one I haven’t felt in so long. After straightening my father’s grave, I turn back to her and introduce myself, extending my hand. She was a little hesitant but then her hand was in mind and the warmth increased tenfold. With her hand in mine and her eyes staring straight into mine, I felt alive again. And then I knew her name and my heart fluttered. 

“Lexa. Lexa Woods.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lead up and into Clexa's first date. Back into Lexa's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know the last couple of chapters have been a little dark and sad but I feel like it is important to Lexa's background. It will start to get a little lighter and happier. I'm not sure if I truly believe in love at first sight but I do know that you can feel a deep emotional connection with someone in a short amount of time. As always, let me know what you guys think! I hope you enjoy.

I don’t know why I said yes to a date. I was feeling the one second of bravery and it transpired into excitement when I saw the huge smile that reached blue eyes when she heard my answer, but now it is two days later. The day we agreed on but 4 hours til the meet up at the park. It was 6 hours ago when the excitement turned to nervousness which has now evolved into a full anxiety meltdown. Why did I say yes?

I am a homeless woman, who only has two pairs of clothes that are never fully clean. Everything that I own can be found in my backpack and only six dollars and twenty-seven cents in my pocket. My hair is overgrown and has split ends. My tennis shoes are falling apart from 3 years of wear and tear. Why did she even want to go on a date with me? What did she see in me?

I usually try not to look down on myself too often because I try my best. Sure, I may be homeless but I try to make the best of my situation. I wasn’t dealt the best hand in life, but I can’t let it consume me. There have been moments, of course, when it seemed that the darkness was too strong and it’s hands wrapped around me. A force that was too strong to break and a weight on my chest causing distress for my lungs, but then comes a light. A flicker of hope. An olive branch. Just get through to tomorrow, for tomorrow can only get better. 

I make my way over to the local thrift store and browse the racks. I can feel people’s stares on me but I shake them off. I am on a mission to find a decent clean shirt that I can afford. It’s something so small but I think Clarke would appreciate it. Plus it has been awhile since I’ve been on a date that it would only make sense that I at least try to look presentable. I stop when I see a plain forest green t-shirt. It’s not flashy nor fancy, but it looks nice and is very soft. I couldn’t stop running my hands down the fabric. I check the price tag and see that it is $4. 

$4 may not be much to most people but it is more than half the money that I have. It could mean going two days without food. I contemplate whether or not it would be worth it, on one hand I really want to impress Clarke while on the other it may affect me by making an impulsive buy. My head starts spinning as my mind continues on a loop of indecisiveness.

“Ahem. Can I help you?” A red-headed clerk asks, surprising me and causing me to drop the shirt to the floor. I immediately feel my face heat up and snap down to pick up the shirt. 

“Oh, uh, no. I was just, uh, looking.” I respond while fidgeting with the shirt. One of the sleeves slips off the hanger and I jump. I fix it immediately and then give the clerk a shy smile. 

“Look, I’m watching you so either buy something or get out. We don’t need trouble here.” She sneers at me and makes a point by looking down at my ratty tennis shoes. I usually don’t have too many people talk down on me nor am I usually passive about it, but today I am already spiraling in my head and have no fight. I look down at my feet feeling ashamed but when I look up, the nasty clerk has already walked off.

I carefully move towards the check out after deciding to get the shirt, figuring if the shirt doesn’t impress Clarke then at least I will have a new clean shirt. The guy at the register looks to be a high school student and he takes the shirt and scans it. 

“I’m sorry about Claire, she can be a real jerk sometimes.” He smiles, trying to lighten the mood. 

“It’s okay.” I brush off and hand over the few precious dollars that I own and grab my bag and start heading out of the store. Once outside, I start heading to the camp grounds. I know a park ranger there that allows me to use the shower facilities. 

We met when I was walking on a path and came along a dead possum. Most people would probably not bat an eye but it was March time and I knew that most possums gave birth to their babies between February and June. I bent down and started to check and found 10 little babies in her pouch. They all looked okay, but were still pretty young since they were still in the pouch and haven’t grown fur yet. I take the beanie I was wearing and start carefully placing them in there to keep them warm. I knew that the babies would need to eat really soon as I did not know when their last meal was but they usually eat every 3-4 hours. I made my way down the path and found a ranger’s cabin. He let me in and made up some formula for the little babies, then showed me how to feed them. It was an experience that I will never forget. The babies were then taken to a rehabilitation center and then later released back out into the wild. 

I came up to the facilities and set my bag under the sinks inside. I took out my small bag that held the little toiletries that I had, it wasn’t much but it was enough. It was a small bag that the people at the shelter gave to me long ago and has been a precious gift. It held a small toothbrush, toothpaste, a small bar of soap, and just a little bit of shampoo left. The conditioner had run out long before. It’s always strange that even when you use the same amount, you never finish both bottles at the same time.

I take out the bar of soap and shampoo and dig out a small hand towel to dry off later. I step into the stall and start the warm water, it never truly gets hot but warm enough to not be cold. I am quick in the shower and dry off as best as I can with the small hand towel. I dress in my new shirt and my cleaner pair of jeans before walking back to the sinks. I comb my fingers through my hair and work it into a fishtail braid. My mother used to always braid my hair. Anya tried but she could never really get her fingers to cooperate but Lincoln was surprisingly very good at braiding hair. 

_ “Hey Linc, can you braid my hair?” I run up to the big man on the couch and stand in front of his legs. I put my hands on his knees and add, “Please?” making sure I give him the puppy dog eyes.  _

_ “I can never say no to you squirt. Go grab your brush and spray bottle.” He smiles. He may look like a big, strong man but he is just a big teddy bear. Anya grumbles from the couch, secretly jealous of his hidden talent.  _

_ “Yes!” I yell and sprint to the bathroom to get the desired supplies and sprint back. I sit down on the ground in front of him. “Can you do multiple braids like Heda in my favorite cartoon?”  _

_ “I’ll try my best but it won’t be exactly the same.” He chuckles and starts getting to work. This was both their favorite time of day, whether it was early in the morning and they were still not fully awake or at night before she went to bed. He ended up making the braids almost exactly like the warrior. Lincoln had to repeat the hairstyle that Halloween as well when I wanted to dress up in the full Heda gear, war paint and all.  _

I take a good look at my reflection. My hair isn’t grimy, my face is clean, and the new shirt actually looks really good. I smile because it has been a really long time since I’ve felt nice. The anxiousness slowly leaving my body and butterflies invade my stomach. I gather my stuff and make my way to the park. We had agreed to meet at the fountain at the entrance of the park. I make a quick stop at the alley behind Grounders where I drop off my stuff and carefully place a cardboard box over it. I didn’t want to leave it, but it wouldn’t be considerate lugging a bag around on a date. 

Along my walk to the park, I see some yellow daffodils next to some trees. I pick a few of them along with some daisies that I had passed a while ago. It was nothing fancy but it was still pretty. I came upon the fountain and sat on the edge watching the people in the park. 

I am pulled from my mind’s wandering when I see Clarke emerge. She is wearing a white blouse and tight fitting dark jeans and sandals. Her blonde hair was down and a smile grew when she saw me. That smile tugged at my heart and I wished to always be the cause of that smile. Soon she was right in front of me and I couldn’t help the wide smile that broke out on my face.

“Hi.” I say softly, still in awe of the beauty of this woman in front of me. “Oh, these are for you! I thought they look pretty and every beautiful woman deserves pretty flowers.” I extended the small bouquet of flowers to her.

“Thank you. They are really lovely and the best flowers I’ve ever been given.” She says as she smells the flowers. She has a small smile on her face and a blush that spreads on her cheeks. “You look very nice.” I feel heat rush through my face. I’m not used to getting compliments but it is nice to hear.

“Thank you. You look gorgeous.” I compliment and then notice that she has a basket in one hand with a blanket rolled up between the handles. “So what’s the plan?”

“Well, I was thinking that while we are at the park, we might as well have a picnic.” She responds with a smile and slides a little closer to me. She is close enough that I can feel the heat off her body and it causes my mind to become fuzzy. “I made a couple sandwiches and a fruit salad that we can eat and maybe watch the sun set later.”

“That sounds wonderful. I know the perfect spot.” I say, grabbing her hand and leading the way. There is a spot on the other side of the lake that has a nice little cliff with a plateau that you could look over the water. It is a nice secluded spot that not a lot of people know about. It is when we get closer that I fully realized that her hand was fitted snugly in mine. I couldn’t help but think how soft her hands were and how nice it was to feel it linked with mine. I never wanted to let go. 

“Here we are.” I state at the top. I reluctantly release her hand as she walks forward and takes in the view of the lake below. 

“Wow. This is an amazing view!” She has an excited grin and looks around taking in the trees that surround them before coming to land on me. There is something in her blue eyes that pulls at me. It’s like she is reaching into my chest and tugging at my heart, trying to pull me closer to her. I walk up to her and help her set up the blanket. Once we are settled on the blanket, Clarke starts to bring out items from the basket. “So I didn’t know what you like so I made a sandwich sampler spread. We have ham, turkey, tuna, and salami.”

“This looks really nice Clarke. Thank you, you didn’t have to go through all of this effort.” I am not used to people to go out of their way for me and it is hard to tell if they are doing it genuinely or out of pity. “Besides I am not really picky.” I chuckle out. 

“Well of course I got to go all out and show off my skills if I am going to impress you.” She jokes and successfully pulls a deep laugh from me. There is something that makes it so easy to just exist around her. I am not trapped in my mind or stressed with this social contact like I am with so many others. “Sandwiches are my masterpiece when it comes to the culinary arts though so don’t try to get any fancy demands.” She playfully scolds while plating a couple of each type of sandwich on two plates and hands one to me. 

“Thank you.” I give her a big smile. She has such a care-free attitude that it is magnetizing and sucks you in but you don’t want to leave. I take a small bite of one of the sandwiches and the flavors burst in my mouth. It is so good that it causes me to let out a little moan. My face heats up as embarrassment fills my body. “This is really good. Don’t worry about any fancy demands cause these sandwiches are the best.”

“Well I aim to please!” She laughs and smiles at me. We sat in a comfortable silence eating and drinking a sparkling grape juice (Clarke didn’t want to assume that I drank). Eventually we laid back and stared at the clouds. I could feel her sliding closer to me every so often and in a moment of bravery, I shift next to her to the point where our shoulders are almost touching and I take her hand in mine. I looked over towards her and see her with a wide smile on her face and I knew that I wanted to keep being the reason making her smile. 

“I love your eyes.” She says quietly, her stare never breaking mine. “It’s like looking into an untouched forest being seen for the first time.” She started to run her thumb along the back of my hand and my mind went blank but I didn’t break eye contact.

“I believe that your eyes reflect your true self. It’s like everyone says, the eyes are the windows to the soul.” I respond after a moment of silence. I shift closer to where our shoulders are touching and our arms are trapped between us. It is comforting and exhilarating to feel this pull towards Clarke. 

“You seem to have a positive insight in life for someone that has had a lot of negative experiences.” It’s not an accusation or really a question, simply a statement. “Not that I know much about you but I would really like you. I feel a connection to you even though we’ve only just met.” She looks down to our intertwined hand. 

I feel another rush of heat invade my cheeks as I hear what she feels for me, any remaining doubt briefly leaving my body. “I feel the same. You have an energy around you that draws me in.” I give her a small smile. “I haven’t had the best life but I know that there is something good for me out there. If I only dwell on the negative then how can I see the good when it comes?” 

I turn to look back up to the clouds as Clarke turns onto her side, still keeping our hands together. I feel her eyes on me but unlike others it isn’t heavy. She doesn’t say anything else, just providing comfort. “There is something out there for me. I don’t know what and I don’t know when but I believe that I have to be in the right mindset to see and accept it. I am not saying that I haven’t had any bad days. I have struggled and I do have my moments, but I work hard to keep that positive attitude. If I only see myself as a homeless nobody then how can I expect someone else to see past that?”

Clarke lets go of my hand and repositions it to lean her head on. At first I missed the contact and believed I had offended her for a moment but then she brings her other hand and starts to play with my fingers. She gives me a smile and says, “You can have a refreshing point of view.”

We lay like that for the next two hours, talking about anything and everything. The sun had started to set and it was beginning to get dark. We gathered up the containers and blanket before making our way down the path hand in hand. It was the nicest date that I have ever been on and I couldn’t believe that it had gone so well. I didn’t want it to end just yet but it was getting late and I didn’t want Clarke to be out too late. 

I offered to walk Clarke further to her car that was parked on the opposite side of the park’s entrance. “I had a really nice time tonight.” I say as I hold open the car door for her. 

“I did too.” Clarke responds quietly, moving closer towards me with the door between us. “I would really like to see you again.” She is biting at her bottom lip and her eyes are staring into mine. 

“I would like to see you again as well. On Saturdays they put a giant screen and play a movie in the park. Would you like to see one with me?” I shyly ask.

“That sounds very nice. I would enjoy that very much.” Clarke seemed to gradually inch closer.

“So this Saturday it is. It starts at 7:00 but I’ll be here and save you a spot if you want.” She’s so close now, my eyes glance down to her lips just a few inches away. My mind wanders to what it would be like to wrap my arms around her and kiss her but I don’t want to be disrespectful so I shift my gaze back up to her eyes.

“It’s a date.” Clarke cheekily responds. “So usually a terrific date ends with an equally terrific kiss.” She gives me a small smile and that is all the confirmation that I need. I move around to the other side of the door where she is at and place one hand on her waist while the other goes to her cheek and ever so gently pull her closer. The moment our lips connect fireworks explode. I feel warmth travels through my whole body and I never want to leave Clarke’s side.

It only lasts for a moment til we both pull away. Her eyes are still closed but her hands are gripping my shirt, not wanting to let me go. Her blue eyes connected with mine and I knew that she was going to be someone really special to me. “Til Saturday.” I say softly, moving away slowly while she climbed into the driver’s seat and started the ignition. I close the door while she rolls the window down.

“I’ll be there.” It’s those words that hit me in my core. It’s an affirmation and Clarke says it with so much conviction you know it’s not all one sided. I lean through the window for one last kiss before I push off and watch her drive away. That night as I laid on the park bench, I couldn’t help but dream of a future with a certain blonde. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Impromptu lunch date and movie night with some cute Clexa moments! 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this update and let me know what you think.

The days seem to be dragging by slowly. It was only Friday afternoon and I couldn’t wait to see Clarke again. Our first date was only 3 days ago and I felt like I needed to see her soon before I started to go crazy. My mind has been a constant buzz since that night. It was just so easy with Clarke, there were no complications or expectations. She didn’t push or prod, she simply enjoyed my presence and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that sense of companionship. 

I didn’t want to get in too deep too fast though. Even if I had this amazing connection with Clarke, things could change and I don’t need heartbreak right now. I don’t have doubts about Clarke, she is a wonderful human being and I would be lucky if she wanted to be mine but would it work? We have very different perspectives. What if we continue this and she doesn’t want to see me anymore?

I close my eyes and take a deep breath in. I let the bad thoughts float away and just listen to the birds singing and the wind flowing through the trees, caressing the leaves. I smell the air and the earth. I don’t think of anything but just exist in the world around me.  _ I am good and I am kind, _ I tell myself.  _ You don’t need to have nice clothes or nice things to be of worth. You are good and you are of worth.  _

I continue to sit on the bench with my eyes closed just telling myself those words over and over. It is about a minute later when I hear footsteps coming closer and feel someone sitting next to me. I open my eyes and look over and see her. Her hair is pulled up into a bun but some rebel strands move into her face with the breeze. Her eyes are shining with excitement and there looks to be a splotch of green paint on her cheek. 

“Hey lady! What are you up to?” Clarke greets as she moves closer and takes my hand in hers. Her smile is wide and contagious. I couldn’t help but feel the butterflies coming to life in my stomach. Her hand was soft in mine, I needed to feel more so I began running my thumb across the back of her hand. 

“Nothing much. Just taking in the sun’s rays and enjoying the day. It’s been pretty peaceful for a Friday, there must be a family event going on somewhere.” I assume as I haven’t seen many people at the park lately today, I scan the park to see if there were any other people there, but it was pretty empty. I looked back towards Clarke and asked, “What’s your day been like?”

“Oh, I went into the studio early and started on a piece that I couldn’t get out of my head. It’s not finished yet, I still have to add some minor touch-ups but I’m pretty happy about it.” She says excitedly. “I also couldn’t wait to see you tomorrow so I thought I would try my luck to see if you were here and it seems that it is my lucky day cause here you are looking cute in the sun.” I feel a small blush crawl up my cheeks and I look down towards our joined hands. 

“Oh! I also brought some lunch for us! It’s just some leftovers from dinner with my mom.” Here was this amazing woman who couldn’t wait to see me so she came looking for me in a large park not knowing if she would find me. Not only that but she went out of her way to bring a meal and tried to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. To me, it was everything. I hadn’t eaten anything in two days so my mouth started watering immediately at the mention of food. 

“You didn’t have to.” I said quietly, not really wanting to deny any offer of food but didn’t want to be a burden. “Just seeing you brightens my day.”

“You’re cute.” She kisses my cheek and plops her big purse on her lap, taking out two forks and a big container. “It’s pasta salad so nothing fancy. I also brought this mango drink that I’ve been wanting to try.” Clarke passes me a fork and then brings out two bottle drinks. It amazes me how much stuff she can fit in her purse. It reminds me of Mary Poppins. 

“How do you fit everything in there?” I chuckle when everything is set out for their impromptu lunch. 

“It’s a secret.” 

‘Well okay then, be sneaky.”

“I have to keep some of my secrets to keep you interested.” Clarke gives me a bright smile as she pops open the lid and offers the first bite to me.

“Trust me, you don’t have to worry about my interest levels.” I cheekily say as I take a bite. I am instantly grateful. 

“That’s good to know.” We sit there quietly eating and stealing glances. “So do you know the movie that is playing tomorrow?”

“They’re playing The Princess Bride. It’s one of my favorites.”

“That’s a good one! Talk about romance, action, and comedy in one movie.” She gives me a smile and kisses my cheek again. I felt the blush creep up my cheeks, it never seems to fully go away when Clarke is around. “I like to watch horror films.”

“Ha! I’d rather not watch those while I am sleeping in a park.” 

“Makes sense. Isn’t there somewhere safer you can sleep? Do they have a shelter or something like that?” There is concern in her voice as she asks.

“Yes but it is a very small shelter and I’d rather the families and elders take the space. No need for me to take a bed when I am more than capable of surviving out here.” I explain.

“That’s very sweet. You’re secretly just a big softie.”

“It’s never really been a big secret.” I smile down at her, my eyes never leave her blue. They’re a lighter blue today, like a summer sky or a calm ocean. 

“ What do you want to do in life?” Clarke asks as she lays her head on my shoulder. 

“I haven’t really been able to think about my future, just trying to make it to the next day.” I pause for a moment. “But I would like to have a job and a family at some point.”

“What kind of job would you want?” She asks softly. I could feel her breath on my neck and it sent shivers down my spine.

“Well once upon a time I wanted to become an astronaut ballerina.” 

“No way! You would’ve been the cutest!” She laughs and places a gentle kiss on my shoulder. I felt the heat rush through my whole body. I cleared my throat before continuing. 

“Uh, yeah. Then I wanted to be a cop and help people like Anya and Lincoln, but I don’t think that is for me. I don’t know what I would want. Maybe work with books or children. It all seems so out of reach.” I squeeze her hand and lay my head atop of her’s, watching the lake. 

“You will get there one day. I know it.” We sit there for a while longer in a comfortable silence, watching the birds on the lake. I helped gather Clarke’s container and trash. I stand to go throw away the trash in a nearby bin while Clarke gathers the rest of her stuff.

“Do you want me to walk you back?” I ask not wanting to cut our time short but knowing she has to go back. 

“I would like that very much.” With that I take her hand back in mine and have her lead the way. ‘Would you travel if you could?”

“I would like to explore and see exotic animals in their habitat and experience different cultures, but I’m not sure if that is in my future. I used to read all the nature books in the library at school. I was quite the biology nerd.” It pulls a laugh from Clarke and she looks over at me. 

“Really? I would have picked you as a jock.”

“I mean, I did play soccer but I was never popular and mostly kept to myself. Plus I didn’t really know how to talk to people. That’s why animals are so cool, they communicate through their body language.” I blush when I notice her gaze was still on me.

“Well I was the president of the art club and then went on to college to be the wild party girl.”

“I’m sure you caused a big fuss.” I respond sarcastically. 

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I have quieted down a bit but I can still throw a nice party.”

“Well I will have to see it to believe it. Besides if you were truly a wild child from a high class family, where is your tattoo?”

“You are just going to have to find out another time.” She says cheekily, drawing me closer. “This is my studio.”

I didn’t realize that we had stopped at a massive white building. It was nice and sophisticated but had posters and flyers about upcoming shows and installations. I looked back down at her and noticed how close she was. I could feel her breath on me and I leaned in closer, connecting our lips. It was short and sweet and everything that I could hope for. 

“I guess this is where we part.” I say softly when we pull away. 

“I’ll just have to suck it up til tomorrow then.”

“Til tomorrow.” I bring her hand up and kiss the back of it. 

“Such a romantic.” A blush erupts across her cheeks as she looks down at her feet. 

“I aim to please.” I reply, moving backwards and sliding my hands into the pockets of my jeans. “I will see you tomorrow.” With one final look at those special blue eyes, I turn and make my way back to the park. 

I was sitting on the grass waiting for Clarke to show up. I had gotten the perfect spot, one not too close but not too far and watched them set up the screen. I have frequented the movies in the park events as it was pretty much the only time I could watch. As the time passed, families and other couples have gathered around finding their spots and waiting for the movie to start. 

I didn’t know the exact time but I knew the movie was going to start soon. The sun was setting and the others were settling, children done getting their popcorn from the stands. The welcoming screen started to play and Clarke was still not here. I kept looking back looking to see if Clarke was here, but I couldn’t find the blonde anywhere. I was starting to doubt that she would come, but with everything that happened this past week how could she not show? No, Clarke was just running a little late, that’s all. 

I looked back one last time and I could see her blonde hair, eyes scanning the crowd. Recognition blossomed onto her face as her eyes landed on mine, her smile spreading until it was reaching her eyes. I’ve fallen in love with that smile. That is the smile that makes my heart race and causes warmth to wrap around me. I was frozen, not knowing whether to meet her halfway or let her come to me. Next thing I know, her face is all that I see as she had crossed the sea of strangers and sat almost on top of me, not that I’m complaining. 

“Hey pretty lady.” Clarke greets as she slides her arms around my shoulders. 

“Hey.” I gently wrap my arm around her waist, letting it hover for a few seconds before hesitantly placing it above her hip, making sure I don’t touch any skin. I have learned that Clarke is a very physical person and will take every opportunity to touch me. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just not what I’m used to. I also don’t want to overstep any boundaries or be disrespectful. 

“How was your day?”

“Long and busy but it’s better now that I am here with you.” She squeezes her arms around my shoulders and brings us closer together. 

“I’m glad I could make your day better.” I give her a smile.

“You always make it better.” Clarke pulls me in and gives me a chaste kiss with those soft lips. “So much better.” She gives me one more kiss and we start to settle in for the movie. Clarke had thought ahead as always and had brought a big comfy blanket to lay on.

“Oh! I brought grapes for us!” Clarke sat up to pull a giant bag of green grapes from her purse. It truly was a Mary Poppins purse. “I know you loved them on our last picnic.” She whispers softly, settling back down into my side and places the bag of grapes on my stomach.

“Thank you. That's really sweet of you.” I wrap my arm back around her shoulders as she places her head on my shoulder. My other hand holds onto the newly open bag of grapes to keep them from falling. “Have you seen The Princess Bride before?”

“I have a few times but it has been a while. What about you?” She looks up into my eyes. 

“I used to watch it with Anya all the time. She would never admit it but it was her favourite film. She always kept up this tough as nails image but loved more deeply than anyone I’ve ever known.” I whisper to her, not wanting to disturb the other guests. “They show this movie here every year. I like to come and watch.”

“Well thank you for letting me experience this with you.” She kisses my cheek and turns back to the screen. We stay like that for the whole movie, her head on my shoulder, eating grapes and stealing kisses. A warmth fills my chest everytime I look at her and couldn’t have asked for a better night. 

After the movie ended, I helped Clarke gather the blanket and walk her to the parking lot. We walked slowly, lagging behind the huge crowd. I take her hand back into mine. It’s so easy with Clarke. There are no expectations and she goes out of her way to make me comfortable. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this way. 

_ “How was your day today, little bear?” Dad asked as mom buckled me into my car seat.  _

_ “It was terrible!” I huffed, crossing my arms and looking down.  _

_ “Oh dear, what happened?” Mom asked, now sitting in the front seat as we make our way towards home. I had started preschool this year and my parents had tried to keep a routine of picking me up together.  _

_ “Well Ethan said that Emily was his girlfriend but I want Emily to be my girlfriend!” It was the worst day ever. “I was playing blocks with Ethan when he said that Emily held his hand so that made her his girlfriend, but Emily kissed my cheek and said I was the best just the other day!” I was frustrated. Girls are so confusing. “Then Ethan said I couldn’t have a girlfriend because I was a girl but I think boys are gross. Ms. Kellinger said that it wasn’t right to call Emily my girlfriend.” I huffed. It was not a good day.  _

_ “Well that’s not right. You can love anyone you want and if you want Emily to be your girlfriend then try bringing her flowers. Flowers always help.” Daddy says as he looks at me through the rearview mirror.  _

_ “What kind of flowers did you get mommy when she became your girlfriend?” I questioned excitedly.  _

_ “He gave me a cactus!” Mom chuckled from up front.  _

_ “Because you were so prickly and made me work hard for you to give me the time of day.” He tried to defend himself. “I was trying to be funny.” _

_ “Is that how we got Se _ _ ñ _ _ or Pike?” That cactus had been housed on the kitchen windowsill for as long as I have lived. It would blossom in the springtime.  _

_ “Yes it is! She says that she hates it but she can’t go a day without looking at it!” He laughs as he pulls into the driveway.  _

_ “Mommy can you help me get some flowers for Emily tomorrow?” I asked as she helped me unbuckle and got me out of the car.  _

_ “Of course little one.” _

We made it to her car after shuffling through the large crowd. I put the blanket in the trunk before closing it and making my way towards the driver’s side where she was standing. She holds out both her hands and I eagerly take them into mine. I fumble with her fingers for a bit, looking at her smooth hands and colorful nails. 

“What’s your favorite flower?” 

“I love lilies. My mother used to have some in her garden when I was younger.” Clarke answers. “What’s yours?”

“I like sunflowers. They’re happy and they mean adoration and longevity as well as loyalty.” I looked down at our joined hands, embarrassment rushed through my face as I knew I nerded out again. “Sorry about my rambling.” 

“Don’t apologize, it’s cute.” Clarke lets go of my hands, my body mourning the loss of her touch, but not for long as she wraps her arms around my neck. I place my hands above her hips and pull her closer towards me. I lean my forehead against her and smile. I’ve been smiling a lot recently and the reason stands before me. 

“You have a beautiful mind and I love the little facts you tell me. It amazes me how smart you are. Smart and gorgeous. How lucky am I? I scored big time!” Clarke gives me the biggest smile. Her eyes are swirling sapphire pools and I’m lost in them. I pull her closer and give her a small kiss. 

“I would argue that I am the lucky one.” I whisper before giving her another kiss. 

“Nope. I am.” Clarke replies. “Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Of course. I’ll be in the park as always.” I kiss her cheek before pulling away and open her car door. 

“I will be there and do you have any requests for lunch?” Clarke asked as she climbed into the driver’s seat.

“You don’t need to bring food for me.” I try to brush off, feeling a little awkward requesting food from Clarke. 

“Fine. I’ll just surprise you then. I hope you have a good night and I will see you tomorrow for lunch.” She states adamantly which causes me to chuckle.

“I will see you tomorrow. Good night Clarke. Sweet dreams.” I step away from the car and watch her drive off before making my way back to my bench. I looked to the stars and thanked whatever force that brought Clarke into my life. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Further development in the Clexa relationship with a nice surprise! Lexa does struggle with her anxiety in parts of this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Here is another update. I had this in my head and needed to get it out before it went away. Hope you guys enjoy and as always, let me know what you think!

I started to see more of Clarke. She would visit on her lunch breaks more often and we would share her lunch every time. At first I resisted because I didn’t want her to feel like she had to take care of me or worry if I had food or not. I didn’t want to feel like a burden, although Clarke would always brush it off, saying she always packs a lunch and now she just makes sure there is a little extra for me. 

It was now the middle of July and I couldn’t help but feel myself falling for her deeper each day. She would make her way towards me as I sat on the same bench that overlooks the lake but she would overtake my mind with her hypnotizing smile. We would go on dates about once or twice a week, mostly keeping it to picnics in the park or going for walks. One day I called in another favor with my park ranger friend and took Clarke on a canoe ride on the lake. It was a wonderful day and a smile didn’t leave my face the rest of the day. 

Tonight was different though. Clarke had been nervous during our lunch date yesterday, fidgeting with her fingers and not really looking me in the eye. I was concerned, thinking something was wrong as she always seemed to have an air of confidence around her. 

“Is everything okay Clarke?” Her head snaps up and looks into my eyes. I was worried that she was going to tell me that she didn’t want to see me anymore. 

“Do you want to come over to my place tomorrow night?” The words fell out of her mouth in such a rapid pace that I had to take a second to decipher what she said. When I finally understood, I was shocked. Clarke was inviting me to her place. Hundreds of butterflies erupted in my stomach. 

“Yeah. I would like that very much.” I answer, giving her a reassuring smile and wrap my arm around her shoulder tighter. A look of relief washed over her face and she finally relaxed against me. We spent the rest of her break that day watching the other people at the park, we liked to make up stories about their lives.

We didn’t spend the afternoon together today as she wanted to work through her lunch break and leave early to set up for tonight. The plan was that she was going to pick me up from the park later to take me to her apartment. We agreed that was the best course of action as I didn’t know where she lived nor did I have a navigation device. 

I went to the shower facilities to get ready for tonight. I pulled the green shirt that I had bought for our first date and put it on. I haven’t worn it since as I didn’t want it to get dirty, so I normally kept it in the plastic bag I got when I bought it so that I could store it safely. It was my nicest shirt so I had to take good care of it. I wore my cleaner pair of jeans along with it and worked my hair into a simple braid. 

It was getting close to 6:00, the time we agreed Clarke would pick me up, so I made my way to the park entrance. When I got there, I set my bag down next to my feet. It was faded and had ripped fabric in some areas but it still served its purpose and I couldn’t help but have an emotional connection with my trusty bag. I had found a rope on one of my walks so I rigged it where my sleeping bag was tied to my backpack so I didn’t have to carry it around in my hands everywhere. It was the small things in life. 

Before I could be dragged any further into my head, a car pulled up right in front of me. The window rolled down and Clarke’s face appeared.

“Hey sexy lady! How are you doing?” I laughed. She always had a way to pull a smile or laugh from me. She was funny and care-free, never bothered by the stares from people who saw us together. It was refreshing. 

“Ha! Not too bad, what about yourself? How was your day?” I ask as I open the car door and slide into the passenger’s seat. I set my backpack between my legs, shutting the door and then began to fiddle with the top strap on my bag.

“It was okay but it’s so much better now.” She leans over the center console and gives me a quick kiss. All of our kisses have been chaste, affectionate but respectful. Clarke puts the car in drive and reaches across the console to take my hand, giving me a bright smile before driving off. We drive in a comfortable silence, just enjoying each other’s presence. This has been sort of a routine for us, we greet each other then revel in the other’s company before making conversation. It was nice. 

I felt a little awkward sitting on the leather seats of an expensive car. It was about 15 minutes later when we pulled into a parking space at a nice looking building. Clarke cuts the engine and gives me a small, reassuring smile before removing her hand from my grasp. We made our way inside, passing the lobby area and came to wait for the elevator. I couldn’t help but feel a little insecure as my eyes wandered across the expensive looking apartment building. Polis was a small town, but not a particularly poor community although we are currently in the area where the higher class people live. I started shifting my weight, trying to free the building anxiety. 

_ Ding! _ My body jolts at the sound of the arrival of the elevator. My heart starts racing and my chest starts to tighten but the rest of my body is numb. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Clarke looks at me, worry swimming in her eyes as she gives my hand a little squeeze. My head is a little fuzzy and my eyes cannot focus on anything. I move to step onto the elevator when my foot bumps an end table. The table shudders and the vase that sits atop it shakes, threatening to tumble onto the tile floor and shatter into a million tiny pieces. Panic overflows my body and I start backtracking until my side hits something. It’s Clarke.

“Hey, it's okay. Lexa, what’s wrong? What can I do? What do you need?” The questions fire off her tongue but do not reach me. I don’t understand, she might as well be speaking a foreign language. Clarke pulls me into her and holds onto me tightly. I try to break free at first but her arms are strong and secure so I begin to settle down. One of her hands comes up to stroke and play with the hairs at the nape of my neck. My breathing starts to return to normal and even though my heart is still beating fast, it is not threatening to jump out of my chest. 

“I-I’m sorry. I’m fine, it’s just been a while since I’ve been in a fancy place. “ I mumble softly. I take her hand and pull her into the elevator car, not meeting her gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Lexa, you don’t have to apologize. Are you okay? Do you want to go back to the park?” I shake my head and grip her hand tighter as she slides up next to me and runs her free hand up and down my arm. I start to feel some of the tension leave my body but it never fully leaves. 

“I’m fine. Just got stuck in my head too long.” I try to brush it off. The doors to the elevator shut and I gesture to Clarke to push the button for her floor. I take a deep breath to try and steady myself, looking for my center. I look down at my feet not wanting to meet Clarke’s eyes. This whole thing with Clarke is new and I don’t want to scare her away with my anxiety problems. 

“We don’t have to do this today if you don’t want to, Lexa. We can go back to the park and look at the stars if you want.” Clarke tries to comfort me as she gives my hand a squeeze.

“No. No, you have a special evening planned for us. I’m fine, I promise.” I pulled her closer even though there was no space between us already. I look into her eyes and see the concern on her face. “I want to be here. I want to spend this evening with you. I promise I will tell you if it gets to be too much.”

She seems to have considered my words for a minute before accepting them. The doors to the elevator opens and she guides me towards her door down the hall. She gives me one last look before pulling her keys out and opening the door. 

Clarke holds open the door and I make my way through it and stand in the entryway as she closes the door. I take a look around the big apartment. It is decorated very nicely and has artwork hung on every wall. I ponder if they are Clarke’s work or maybe by someone she aspires to. I make my way around the couch and towards the giant bookcase. I see many novels and textbooks, most of them are about engineering. 

“Most of those books are my roommate’s, even though she will probably never read them again she refuses to get rid of them. She’s an engineer.” Clake comes to stand next to me.

“Oh.” I respond quietly while looking at the different titles and coming across pictures. They have different people but the blonde is in every one of them. One is of her and two brunette women on what looks to be a boat while another looks to be multiple friends at a fancy event. “Is she here now?”

“Oh no. She went over to a friend’s to give us some privacy although she has been dying to meet you, but don’t worry, I won’t put you through that torture just yet.” She smiles at me and takes my hand. “I figured we could eat dinner and then play some board games or watch a movie?”

“Yes. That sounds lovely.” I gently respond, giving her cheek a kiss. Clarke pulls my hand towards a table that is set up nicely and has a bouquet in the middle. A bouquet of sunflowers and white lilies. A warmth fills my chest and a smile blooms. 

Clarke had run off towards the kitchen but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the flowers. They were so beautiful. Clarke reappears with a serving dish that she sets on the table that holds other dishes containing different foods. 

“Clarke, you really didn’t have to make all this.” I feel a little embarrassed that I couldn’t have contributed and awkward as I didn’t know how to respond to such treatment. No one has made such a big effort for me before. 

“I wanted to. Trust me, you deserve this.” She came closer and held my hands. “Lexa, you have made me happier than I have been in a long time. The least I could do is spoil you with a nice dinner. Besides, my mother helped me make a lot of this and would be sorely disappointed if it went to waste.” 

“Well I suppose we can’t have that.” I chuckle, taking a seat in the chair next to me as Clarke starts to dish up some of the food onto both of our plates before taking her seat across from me. We share stories and laughs as we eat and everything is perfect. I was worried that my episode earlier was going to put a damper on the whole evening, but like always, Clarke never pushed me. 

We were finishing up dinner when I noticed that Clarke was acting strange. She was fiddling with her fingers and would look away whenever we made eye contact. She didn’t seem to be participating in the conversation as much and I was starting to grow concerned. Did I say something wrong? I was about to ask if everything was okay but she looked me straight in the eye and I froze, unable to think about anything else with those sapphire eyes looking into my soul.

“Lexa, I know that we are two very different people but I know that ever since I met you, my life has grown so much brighter. My world was starting to dull and the colors were fading, but you made them vibrant again, you make me so happy and I hope that I do the same for you.” Clarke set her fork down and reached across the table to take my hand. I couldn’t do anything else, my mind blanking. She takes a deep breath before continuing. “I feel a deep connection with you and I know you feel it too because this can’t be one sided, that would just be cruel.” She huffs an empty laugh.

“It’s not one sided.” I rushed to reassure her, those were the only words I could mutter. I didn’t know exactly where she was going, but I felt the need to ease the panic of her believing that her feelings were unrequited. Clarke looks down at our joined hands and tightens her grip on mine before looking back up at me. 

“Lexa, I fall for you more each day and I need you to know that I am all in. So what I want to ask you is, Lexa, will you be my girlfriend?” 

Clarke looks at me, waiting for an answer. My mind is in overdrive. My mouth opens and closes, my tongue unable to form the words. Clarke continues to sit, waiting for an answer. Her face starts to fall as the seconds tick by. I finally stop the inner turmoil in my head and answer. 

“Yes. Clarke, I would be more than happy to be your girlfriend.” I see her smile slowly widen until it reaches her eyes and she launches out of her chair and wraps her arms around me tightly. 

We eventually made our way to the couch to play a game called Settlers of Catan. Clarke had stated that it was her favorite game and her father had taught her how to play it when she was younger. 

“We would make up stories about the villagers and robbers.” She always smiled when she talked about her father. “See when you roll a 7, then you have to move the robber from the desert or from its current place to one of your opponent's resources. Then whenever that number is rolled, your opponent cannot collect the resource the robber is on.” Clarke explained to me. It was a very fun game but very complex. 

“Okay.” 

“We always played, the first person to get to 15 points wins. Each settlement is worth one point, a city is worth two points, and you can get additional points through development cards or by getting the largest army or building the largest road.”

“Sounds good.” I say, following along to the many rules she is telling me. 

“Now here is the most important thing in the whole game,” her face is one of seriousness, “what color do you want to be?” I bust out laughing, her melodic laugh blending with mine. I lean against her side as I try to catch my breath. 

“I want to be the imperial red.” I state in a commanding voice. 

“Yes ma’am!” She chuckles handing me the little bag containing the red pieces as she picks up the bag with the green pieces. “I will be the forest green, as it is my new favorite color.” She throws a wink at me before situating her pieces in front of her. 

We continue into the night, laughing and playing the game. Empty threats are thrown when the robber makes a move and valuable resources are not willing to be traded. I couldn’t believe that I was sitting on a lovely couch with a beautiful woman, who asked me to be her girlfriend only hours ago, and now playing a very serious (not so serious) board game. I learned that Clarke was very competitive and I am never one to back down from a challenge, but ultimately the game ended in Clarke’s victory.

It was getting late and the game was all packed up and put away. I got up and helped Clarke put away the remaining food and clean some of the dishes even if she was a bit reluctant about it. I had argued that if she was going to cook for me, the least I could do was help clean up afterwards. That is how we ended up in the kitchen standing side by side, I was rinsing off the dishes and handing them to Clarke to put in the dishwasher. It didn’t take long for all the dishes to be loaded and the dishwasher started. 

I was starting to feel a bit awkward now, feeling like I was pushing past the appropriate time limit for tonight. I didn’t know what was the right thing to do and my chest started to get tighter. Clarke sensed my internal struggle and wrapped her arms around me, mine immediately going around her waist and pulling her as close as possible. She had her head tucked into the crook of my neck and sighed as I started to rub my hand up and down the expanse of her back, wanting to provide the same sense of comfort she gave me. 

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Clarke asks softly. My hand stops it’s movement when I register her words. “It’s late and I don’t want to leave you out there when you’re here with me now.”

“I don’t want to intrude on your space.” I am not sure how I feel. I don’t want Clarke to feel like she has an obligation to invite me into her space when she doesn’t necessarily want to. This is new territory for me and I don’t know what the appropriate response or course of action is. My mind is running and spinning.

“It’s just to sleep Lexa, nothing more.” Clarke plays with the baby hairs on the nape of my neck. I pull her closer and try to quell the building anxiety in my body. 

“Alright, I will stay.” I concede even if I still feel out of place. Clarke pulls me down the hall that held a couple doors, but stops us at one with a sun painted on it. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to stay if you’re not comfortable with it.” She rubs her thumbs across the backs of my hands and I feel tension slowly leave my body. 

“No, it’s okay. I’m okay.” I try to reassure her, but I am mostly trying to reassure myself. 

“Okay, but let me know if you want to go.” She still presses. She opens the door and pulls me in. Her bedroom is big, there is a big bed in the far corner, a desk covered in different art supplies, a recliner chair on the other side facing a large tv. Like in the living room, artwork fills the walls, but not just paintings, photographs and sketches are present too.

“I have some pajamas that you can wear if you want.” Clarke says as she shuffles through the room. She rummages through some drawers before coming back with flannel pajama pants and a grey t-shirt extended out in her hands. I carefully take them into my hands, reveling in how soft they are. “The bathroom is through that door if you want to change in there. I’m going to go lock up but I will be back shortly.”

Clarke leaves the room and I stand awkwardly in her room. I bring the clothes to my chest and walk into the aforementioned bathroom. It is the biggest bathroom I have seen in my life and it’s clean, but there are different products that surround the double sink. I notice a soft purple robe as I shut the door and soft yellow towels hanging on the wall. There is not only a huge bathtub but a walk-in shower not too far from it. 

I tear my eyes away from the large room and start to change into the pajamas that Clarke has provided for me. The feel of the fabric on my skin is foreign. The shirt is a little short and shows a sliver of skin. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I gather my other clothes and hold them tightly to my chest as I exit the bathroom. I look for Clarke in her bedroom but she is not there. 

I walk out into the living room and go to my bag that I had left by the door. I fold my jeans and tuck them into the bottom of the bag. I dig and search for the plastic bag to put my shirt in when I hear footsteps. I jerk back up into an upright position. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Would you like some tea?” Clarke offers when the plastic bag in my hand captures her attention. “What’s that for?” Curiosity laced in her voice. 

“Oh, I keep my shirt in it so it doesn’t get really dirty.” I respond shyly as I quickly place the shirt into the bag and shove it into my backpack. 

“That’s very smart. So did you want some tea?” Clarke brushes off, sensing that it is a sensitive topic and I am grateful as I don’t want to go into further detail about how I keep my clothes clean. 

“Oh, no thank you.” I mumble softly. I still feel out of place. I’m in this really nice apartment with an extremely beautiful woman who is wearing really short sleep shorts and a tank top. I feel a blush overtaking my body and I look away but it is only a minute later when I feel her warmth around me. She hugged her body close to my side and tucked her head into my neck. 

We stood wrapped around each other for a couple minutes before Clarke took my hand and led me back to her bedroom. I stood back when we got to the bed, waiting for Clarke to get in on her preferred side before crawling in myself. The bed was so soft and comfortable, it was like a cloud. The sheets were soft against my skin and my head sunk into the pillow. 

Clarke immediately rolled over and curled into my side. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her closer as she laid her head on my chest. It was strange to not only be in a bed but to be sharing a bed with another person. The previous anxiety slowly faded away as I felt Clarke even breathing against my chest. It was strange but not in a bad way, just different. 

“Goodnight Lexa.” Clarke murmurs and presses her lips to my collarbone. 

“Goodnight Clarke. Sweet dreams.” I responded, running my hand along her back and felt her hum her approval. It wasn’t long before I fell into a deep slumber with Clarke wrapped in my arms. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets really busy and Lexa and Raven have a little bonding time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait guys but here is another update. Hope you guys like it!

I woke up to rays of sunshine creeping in from the drapes and hair tickling my nose. I blinked a couple of times, trying to adjust my eyes to the light. I laid there for a minute, just taking everything in. There were birds singing to the rising sun and Clarke’s little snores. I felt my heart clench in my chest and I tightened my hold on her waist. I felt her try to shuffle closer but she was already on top of me. It was like she was trying to make us one person and oddly enough I wanted that too. 

It’s been so long since I’ve slept in a bed and even longer since I’ve shared one with someone. It was nice and warm. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so comfortable and I could’ve stayed here forever. I didn’t want to leave the little cocoon that we had somehow created but my bladder was starting to scream at me. By some miracle, I was able to maneuver out of the bed without waking the blonde goddess and made my way to the en suite. 

I finished up before moving through the hallway and towards the living room. Just as I am about to enter, I hear the door open followed by a rustling then a loud thud. 

“Why is there a fucking backpack here!” A yell comes from the living room floor. I anxiously poke my head around the corner to see a Latina woman laying on the ground with her foot wrapped in the strap of my backpack. I rushed to help her but by the time I had gotten there, she was already upright. So I bent down and grabbed my bag, bringing it to my chest, awkwardly standing there. I was worried that she was going to take her anger out on it, not knowing that there was a valuable piece of artwork that I treasured along with other necessities. 

“I-I’m sorry. I thought it was out of the way.” I apologize looking at the floor and twisting the top strap between my fingers and fumbling with the zippers. It was always a nervous habit and having an outlet for my anxiety to prevent a panic attack. “Are you okay?”

“Terrific. Now, who are you?” The brunette eyes me suspiciously trying to size me up. I felt my face heat up and my heart start to race. This must be the roommate Clarke had spoken about last night, I had no idea if they were really close or if Clarke had mentioned me at all. Now here I stand in their living room in borrowed pajamas and cradling a backpack.

“I’m Lexa.” I introduced myself. I didn’t know if Clarke had mentioned my name to her but there was a little smirk that appeared on her face at the mention of my name. I also didn’t know if Clarke was out to everyone, so I kept quiet about the new girlfriend status. 

“Ah, Clarke’s new girl.” She crosses her arms and leans against the back of the couch, eyes scanning over me. She must have found something as she relaxed and extended an arm, hand open. “Name’s Raven, chica.” I hesitantly take her hand in mine and give a firm shake. 

“Ravens are associated with the great mysteries of life and are known to be one of the most intelligent birds.” The words spill out of my mouth before I can catch them. I always blurt out random facts when I’m nervous and I’m always nervous when meeting new people. 

“Yup! I like you. Do you want a donut?” The Latina walks over to the kitchen island and presents a pink box. She lifts the lid and the aroma flowing out causes my mouth to salivate. It’s been so long since I’ve had one. I slowly set my bag back down, but not before opening it and checking to make sure the precious canvas was still intact, then I slowly moved towards the island where Raven has now perched herself upon. She offers me the box and I take a simple glazed donut, the taste explodes in my mouth and I couldn’t help but wolf it down. 

“What are you two doing?” Clarke asks, eyeing us suspiciously from the entryway still in her t-shirt and sleeping shorts. She makes her way over and sliders her arms around my waist. I feel a little awkward when she cuddles me as I am bony and underweight, but she never mentions anything. 

“Hey Clarkie Poo! We were just enjoying some delicious donuts.” Raven starts to swing her dangling legs back and forth. “Plus your girl, Lexa, and I were just getting to know each other. She says I’m intelligent and mysterious.” She gives Clarke an exaggerated smirk. 

“Did you really?” Clarke looks at me questioningly while tightening her arms around me. 

“Well, I only told her about the raven bird. It seemed to have all gone to her head.” I test the waters, they seem to be a fun and joking bunch but I’m new to the mix. I didn’t have to worry though as they both erupted into a laughing fit. 

“Hey, don’t turn on me now Lexie Wexie! We were forming this unbreakable bond, don’t sabotage it for a blonde with amazing tits!” Raven exclaims dramatically as she hops off the table and comes to Clarke’s other side. 

“I mean, can you blame me?” I shrug and wrap my arm around Clarke’s shoulders, bringing her closer. I could feel her chest rumbling with her laughter and I couldn’t imagine a better feeling. We talked and laughed a little longer before Raven grumbled something about having an appointment with her bed. Clarke and I made our way to the couch after grabbing some coffee and cuddled for a while before her phone rang. 

We had to get dressed after that. The call was someone from Clarke’s gallery calling for help with an upcoming installation. 

“You sure you can’t stay a little while longer?” Clarke asks from my side. “I may not be there for very long and I can come right back and we could cuddle and watch tv.”

“You need to go into work and I don’t want to stay at your place without you, it just wouldn’t feel right.” It may have been caused from the years of foster parents not trusting me, but I had anxiety just thinking about being her without her, especially since last night was my first time over here. 

“Alright, but can I at least drop you off at the park? That way you don’t have to walk and I don’t have to worry thinking you didn’t make it.” Clarke pleads, basically hanging off my arm.

“Sure, that will be perfect.” I answer, bending down to give her a peck on her cheek and she practically beams at the affection. I pick up my bag and sling it onto my shoulder before taking her hand and following her down to the car park. 

It’s been a week since the night that Clarke had asked me to be her girlfriend and I have only seen her a couple of times since. She has been super busy with a new gallery opening, at least that is what she told me when she met me for a quick walk through the park to clear her head. I listened as she vented about the mix ups in paperwork and the carpenters who couldn’t get the displays set up as she needed them, before her phone rang and she ran off to fix whatever mess was currently taking place. 

Next thing I know, another week passes by with minimal contact with Clarke. I sat on my bench for most of the day in case she happened to make her way to the park, but there has been no sight of the blonde woman. I forgot how much joy and comfort a person gives you when hey choose to spen their time with you. It makes you feel special when they choose you. Not that I blamed Clarke for being busy and not spending time with me, she had a job for goodness sake! I just haven’t fully realized how important the gorgeous blonde has become in my life. 

A selfish part of me misses the meals she would bring me, but the other part of me didn’t want Clarke to feel obligated to take care of me. Besides, I have survived this long on my own. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone as I don’t have the best track record with loved ones. 

I moved off the bench, coming to the conclusion that Clarke was not able to see me today. I made my way down the sidewalk towards Grounders. I was rounding the corner when I almost collided with the spunky brunette from Clarke’s apartment. 

“Hey chica! What’s going on?” Raven asks as she pulls me in for a big hug. It caught me by surprise and I gingerly placed my arms around her when my mind caught up to what was happening. 

“Hi, not much. What are you up to?” I asked, not expecting to see her.

“Oh! I am on my way to grab some parts for this bike I’m building!” She states excitedly as a smile breaks out on her face. “Are you busy? You can tag along if you want!” 

“Um, sure. I don’t have anything going on.” I state casually. I was a little worried because it was Tuesday and since I haven’t eaten in a while I was risking missing another meal, but it was for a chance to spend time with one of Clarke’s best friends. 

“Alrighty then! Let’s go!” Raven exclaims as she links our arms and starts tugging me forward. “Do you know anything about motorcycles?”

“I know they need gas to go, but other than that, I know nothing.” I say causing her to chuckle. 

“Well chica, I’m going do some teaching.” 

“I like to learn and any new skill can be essential.” 

“True that!” She pulls me in different directions to get to a building with a big blue garage door. The latina pulls out her keys and begins to unlock the door next to the garage door. Once the door was open, she pulls me through and I see toolboxes and counters full of different parts and even more tools. There is a black car next to us and Raven notices when she sees me looking at it. 

“That was my first restoration project. This baby is a ‘67 Mustang GTO and she is my baby. Her name is Stella.” She proudly states as she runs her hand along to roof of the car. She starts to walk away from the car towards a tarp a few feet away. She removes the tarp and reveals a motorcycle that has parts and pieces on the ground around it and you could clearly see it was a work in progress but it was a nice looking bike. “This baby is a Triumph Scrambler and will look absolutely amazing once I’m done with her. I just need to touch somethings up and get a new saddle seat and bags and soon this baby will be flying down the street!” She states excitedly.

“That sounds cool. It certainly looks like a really nice bike.” I say as I come up behind her but still remain at a respectable distance.

“Definitely. Now come on, lets hop into Stella and get those parts, chica!” She walks to the counter and grabs the keys she set down there before making her way to the car. “Come on slow poke!”

I rush over to the passenger side door and pull the seat forward so that I can put my backpack in the back before replacing the seat and sitting. It wasn’t a second after putting on my seat belt, Raven opened the garage door and speeds off. In the short time that I have known Raven, I have learned that she is a spunky, spit-fire of a woman and I could see why her and Clarke were so close. We made small talk for the ride until we got to another garage building. Once we were in the building to find a lanky boy wearing overalls and covered in grease. 

“Hey Monty, you got those parts for me?” Raven asks as she makes her way over to him. 

“Hey Rae! Yeah they are in the box right there for ya. Who’s this?” He asks as he wipes off a wrench with a rag. 

“This is Lexa, she’s Clarke’s girl.” Raven says casually. I was a little worried that Raven was going around telling everyone when I don’t know if that is what Clarke would want but Raven knows what Clarke would want, right? 

“Hi.” I greet timidly, raising my hand in a small wave. 

“Clarke’s girl? So you’re the one who has her disappearing every now and then. I’ve heard Harper complain that Clarke has been locked in her studio and if she isn’t there then she is off at the park or something.” Monty states. I didn’t know who Harper was or if her complaining was anything really negative, so I kept my gaze at my feet and shuffled behind Raven. 

“Yeah. Sorry.” I mumble. Feeling a little insecure and thinking that I shouldn’t be here. 

“It’s all good! Plus I’ve heard that she has finally been able to paint again and make some art and if you’re the one who got her out of her funk and causes her to smile than you’re good in my book.” He gives me a smile and thumbs up. “Sorry, but I really need to finish with this car today. The parts are there and it was nice to see you both.” He states one last time before walking back to the car he was previously working on. 

“Here, give me a hand with these boxes.” The Latina already had a box in her hand so I grabbed the other one before heading to the car. She popped the trunk and we both placed the boxes there before making our way into the car. 

“I thought you were an engineer?” I ask, wondering why she had a full garage for mechanical work. 

“I am. There are multiple fields in engineering, the one I specialize is technological engineering. I work with the local hospital to create advanced and innovative technology for medical professionals. The restoration projects are more of a hobby.” She explains. 

“Oh. That’s pretty cool.” I respond. 

“So what do you do, Lexie bear?” Raven glances over towards me as she pulls into the garage. I felt the blood drain from my face and my heart start to race. From the question, I can figure out that Clarke hasn’t disclosed that I am homeless.

“Um, I don’t have a job.” I say softly from the passenger seat, looking down at my hands. 

“Oh. Does Clarke know?” Rave asks, I can sense a little hostility under the words. 

“Y-yes. She does.” 

“Well if you don’t have a job, then do you live with your parents?” She continues with her questions. I couldn’t find my voice anymore so I just shook my head while still keeping my focus on my hands. 

“Ooookay.” Raven stares straight ahead, I’m guessing to collect her thoughts before continuing her interrogation. “Then I am assume you don’t have a place to stay.” I nod my head. I felt ashamed for my lack of social standing and personal worth. We both sit there is silence, not knowing how to continue this conversation but not wanting to change the topic. 

“So you’re homeless.” I nod.

“And Clarke knows.” Another nod. 

“Are you using Clarke?” She asks sharply. My head snaps up and my eyes are wide. I couldn’t believe she would ask me that but I knew deep down that she was only looking out for Clarke. 

“No, I could never! She knew everything before we started anything and I knew that she was an artist but I didn’t know she owned her own gallery. I didn’t even know where she lived until two weeks ago!” I tried to reassure her and it looked like she believed me for the time being. 

“Okay. Okay.” She nods her head and pats my leg. “How about we get these boxes out of my trunk and I can show you how to restore a motorcycle?” I feel the tension leave my chest and I am finally able to take a deep breath, slowing my heart rate. 

“Yeah that would be great.” I say softly, opening up the door and making my way to the back. We spent the evening together restoring a motorcycle, well Raven did most of the work, I just handed the tools when she asked for them. Towards the end of the evening, Raven ordered a pizza that we basically devoured within minutes. 

“Alrighty, I think that is it for the night. We made some amazing progress.” She exclaims and holds her hand up for a high five. I meet her hand and smile at her. “Hey, you want to come over and hang out for a bit?” She places a rag in a bin with other dirty rags before turning back to me. I guess she could see my inner turmoil on wether to accept the offer or not. “She would be really happy to see you there.” And with that I make up my mind. 

“Yeah, that would be really great.” I say. We get back into her car and she drives us to the apartment. When I walk through the lobby I don’t have a panic attack this time and I can easily find the door to where their apartment is located even though it has been weeks since I’ve been here last. 

“Do you think she would mind if I take a shower?” I ask, not wanting to overstep any boundaries.

“No, go ahead. You can also borrow some of her pajamas, I know last time she loved to see you in here clothes even if they were a little small.” Raven chuckles. 

“Uh, thanks.” I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. I could only imagine the hidden meaning of those words. Before I could get in my head anymore, I turned and made my way to Clarke’s room. I set my backpack on the ground next to the door and make my way into the bathroom. I take my time in the shower and allow to feel the warm water across my whole body. I borrowed some of Clarke’s shampoo and conditioner, thinking she wouldn’t mind. 

Once I was done, I wrapped myself in a towel. I realized that I forgot to grab the clothes beforehand so I opened the bathroom door and stepped out, walking towards the dresser on the other side of the room. Next thing I know, the door right next to the dresser flew open and a blonde waves came to a full stop. Blues eyes were wide with shock and I saw them drop down to the towel. 

“Oh my god! I am so sorry! I didn’t realize that you just got out of the shower. Feel free to borrow any clothes you want, I’ll just be out in the hall.” Clarke spoke so fast it was hard to really understand but I could see that she was flustered and didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. She turned around sharply, only to smash her toe into the dresser as she rushes out of the room. I couldn’t help but hold back a small laugh but quickly went to get clothes to cover my body. 

Once I was dressed and presentable I made my way to the living room to find Clarke in the kitchen with a glass of wine and Raven was nowhere to be seen. She does a double take when she seems me walk slowly into the room. Clarke sets down her glass and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me and tucking her head under my chin and releases a deep breath. 

“I missed you.” She mumbles. I bring my arms up and start running one up and down her back.

“I missed you too.” I pulled her closer.

“I’m sorry for walking in on you earlier.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I was completely naked.” She chuckled against my chest. 

“No, not completely.” She mumbles. “Do you want to sit on the couch and make out?” She asks, her bright blue eyes shining mischievously. I could tell that she was a little hesitant after the comment but I was ready to move up a step from chaste pecks. 

“Yeah, I do!” I say excitedly before jumping on the couch, making Clarke crack up. 

“You are just too cute!” I give her a bright smile as she makes her way over. I pull her down to bring her lips to mine. It was simple at first but then she pulls me closer and things started to heat up. Shirts remained on and hands were kept at respectable places but for the first time in a long time, I felt loved and cherished and I promised myself that I would do anything in my power to make this blonde goddess feel the same. I fell asleep next to her that night again and it felt like home. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer but things start to look up for Lexa! Enjoy!

Going over to Clarke’s apartment was becoming a regular thing now. She would always make plans with me beforehand and give me a ride from the park. Even though I have been by myself all these years, she always worries about something happening to me on the way. I don’t mind. It’s nice to know someone cares about me and if it helps ease her worries then I am more than happy to accept the rides. 

I haven’t seen her in a couple days but today I decided to surprise her with an impromptu visit at her place. I picked some nice wildflowers from the park and made the trek to the other side of town. By the time I got there, it was 5:30pm. I walked into the lobby and called the elevator. I couldn’t help but think back to my first time here and the small panic attack I had. Clarke was able to help me, and I will be forever grateful for her for it. She always seems to know what to say or do to put me at ease. Clarke is special.

So very special. Clarke always brings me food or has a snack in her giant purse, although she will never admit that she formed the new habit because of me. She never pushes me and always goes out of her way to make sure I’m comfortable. She allows me to take showers and use her lotions, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but it is. 

Above all, Clarke is patient. I know she is a grown woman, and by the stories Raven tells me, has a very healthy sex drive. We have moved from chaste kisses to full on makeout sessions, but we always keep hands on respectable body parts. I’m nervous about going forward and I know I am the one that is holding us back. I can tell she gets sexually frustrated, but she never takes it out on me. Even if I’m the reason why we never go further. It’s my fault, although she tells me it’s no one’s fault and we just aren’t ready to take that step, but I’m the one who always pulls away. I can tell she is ready, but it is hard for me to feel ready when you can see my ribs or my hip bones jut out or my vertebrae protrudes. I have definitely gained some weight since meeting Clarke but I am still considered underweight and have no fat on my body. 

I wonder what kind of person I would be if my parents hadn’t died that night. Or Anya. Would I be a confident person? Most likely. Would I have anxiety like I do now? Probably not, but I like the person I am now. I have a few flaws, but who doesn’t? Clarke likes the person that I am. She doesn’t see my flaws as obstacles and nor I with hers. My feelings for her grow each and every day and I hope she feels the same. 

I make it to the dark door with 7B on it, Clarke’s door. I lift my hand up and give a firm couple of knocks. I hear rustling behind the door and then the unlocking of the deadbolt. I smile as the door opens but it quickly falls when I am met with a pair of brown eyes instead of sparkling blue ones. 

“Hey Lexie Wexie! Awe did you bring me flowers? Clarke is going to be so jealous!” Raven basically squeels the last part out while taking the flowers from my hands. I am frozen in shock and words cannot be formed by my brain. I step inside when Raven walks into the kitchen. “Don’t look so sad, babe. Clarke will be here later. She got stuck at work. They are opening a new exhibit this Saturday and it is kind of all hands on deck.”

“Yeah, she was telling me about the new installation for some time. I never thought how long it takes or how much effort is put into it.” I responded as I set my backpack under the end table by the door. Raven places the flowers in a vase and moves to the couch, I follow closely behind and sit at the other end. 

“This particular one is a new famous photographer and there has been multiple screw ups that Clarke has had to fix. It usually isn’t this bad, but I guess some people have been scatterbrained lately.” Rave states as she places her feet up on the coffee table. “Anyways, Clarke won’t be home til later and I can’t tell baking soda from baking powder, so do you want chinese?”

I chuckle at Raven’s antics. I have gotten closer to the engineer as we have been spending more and more time together. She acts all tough but is secretly really caring and covered in sassiness. “Yeah, sure.”

“What do you want?”

“Um, I don’t know. Order for me?” I ask shyly. Where Clarke usually cooks, Raven likes to order different types of takeout for both of us to try. 

“Alrighty, General Tso’s chicken, sweet and sour chicken, miso soup, and spring rolls!” Raven exclaims as she starts to dial. 

“Are you sure? That seems like a lot of food.”

“Yeah, definitely. We may be two sexy skinny chicks but we both can put away a truck load of food!” Raven laughs off, but it is true. Clarke has mentioned it a couple of times when we’ve all been together. She says we should enter an eating contest. 

I am looking at the television from my spot on the couch but I’m not really watching. Raven comes back from the kitchen and plops onto the couch. I am kind of glad that Clarke is not here because I have been meaning to talk about Raven about something. 

“So what have you been up to?” Raven asks.

“Oh, uh, I was thinking....” I trailed off trying to figure out how to phrase my next words carefully. “I may have found a potential job.” I wanted to sound confident, but I have had a lot of failures in the past years and didn’t want to get my hopes up. 

“Hey! That’s great, chica!” Raven shouts excitedly with a smile spreading across her face. It falters when she notices my restrained composure. “I thought this was a good thing so why aren’t you more excited about this?” She genuinely asks. I don’t respond immediately, instead, I take my time. I’m not the best at talking about my feelings, Dr. Ryan could tell you that, but I felt that Raven could help me so I decided to take that chance. 

“Trust me, I am happy but I have had potential jobs and job interviews in the past and they have all fallen through. I don’t want this one to be like the others. I don’t want another failure.” I stare dejectedly at my hands in my lap. Even though Raven and I have gotten closer, we’ve never had deep conversations on our innermost thoughts and feelings. 

“Have you told Clarke about it?”

“No.” I replied, ashamed. “I didn’t want to get her hopes up only to not get it.”

“Well you can’t live life always being afraid of failure. You are always going to experience failure, it is through failure that we truly succeed.” She shuffles closer to me and places her arm on the back of the couch. I catch her eyes as she continues. “I know failure like the back of my hand. I create technology to help medical professionals, but that takes a lot, and I mean A LOT, of trial and error. I’m never going to build something that is perfect the first time, it will always have flaws and I will have to fix those flaws, but that is how we learn.”

I sit there quietly, taking in all that she has said. It makes perfect sense. I think of all the times that I have gone into interviews and grimace when they see my old, dirty clothes. I think of the times I have practically begged for a job only to be met with a door in my face. There was just something about this job that had resonated with me. I could feel like this was going to be my chance. My one shot of making something out of myself. 

“What is the job anyways?” It’s an innocent question. 

“It’s nothing much.” I state quietly, looking back down to my hands in my lap. “It’s a position as a cafeteria worker at the elementary school. It starts at the end of August and pays minimum wage with not a lot of hours, but it’s something right?” I stare hopefully at the other brunette, searching for any reassurance. 

“Of course!” She replies quickly, taking her hand from the back of the couch and running soothingly on my back. “It’s a great job and I believe that you can get it! How did you find it?”

“I was walking to the park from the cemetery and I saw the job posting on their sign so I went in and got the paperwork.” I get up from my spot and walk quickly over to my bag. I dig into the front pocket to retrieve the folded pieces of papers. I hand them to Raven as I sit down on the couch again. 

“This looks really decent, Lexa.” Raven says as she shuffles through the stack of papers. She stops at one and a frown starts to cross across her face. 

“What?” I asked, leaning closer to her trying to get a look at the papers. “What is it?”

Raven is suspiciously quiet for a while and I could tell she was trying to figure out what to tell me. I felt dread fill my body as many possibilities flew through my mind. “Well, it’s just that you have to purchase the uniform if you get the job and they require a postal address.”

“Well I was going to start collecting cans and bottles to get the money for a P.O. box.”

“Seems like you have thought about this a lot.”

“I have. I can’t seem to get it out of my mind, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

“Well how about this,” Raven looks to me and places her hand on my arm, bringing my attention back to her. “You can use our address as the postal address so that you can save the money for the uniform.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel obligated.” I started to fidget with my fingers in my lap. “I mean I am halfway to the amount I need to get a P.O. box and I still have about a month left.”

“Of course.: She continues to run her hand on my arm. “I have the weekend off, I could help you collect cans and I’m sure you can use this address so you don’t need to worry about getting a P.O. box. Now, how about I help you out with some of this boring paperwork.” 

We worked on the paperwork for sometime until the doorbell rang, indicating the food had arrived. I placed the papers on the coffee table before moving to the kitchen where Raven was plating out the food. I grabbed a beer in the fridge for Raven and a water for me before sitting on the stool next to the counter and waited til she was done and set a plate in front of me, sitting next to me. 

“So do you have an interview for the job yet?”

“Uh, yeah. It’s on Friday.”

“Cool, that is only two days from now.”

“Yeah. Would you mind if I washed my clothes here?”

“Totally, chica! You know you don’t have to feel bad about asking. We are more than happy to help. Besides, you may have a job soon and makin some dolla bills!” She smiles at me as she bumps my shoulder with hers. “What are you going to wear?”

“Um, well I don’t have many options but I was going to wear my green shirt with my dark jeans.” I respond before I shove another forkful of food into my awaiting mouth. “Which is kinda why I want to wash my clothes.”

“Yeah, no problem. Those are nice clothes. So when are you going to tell Clarke?” She asked as I am about to take another bite. I freeze with a forkful of food mid-air. 

“Um, I wasn’t planning on telling her til I found out if I got it or not. If I don’t then I don’t have to disappoint her, but if I do get it, I can surprise her.” I say the last part excitedly. 

“That’s cool, but seriously Lexa, stop with the doubt. You have to own the room and be more confident and then you will get the job!”

“Okay. I’ll try to be more confident.” I give her a smile before finishing my food. We both ate until our stomachs were full and bulging. We moved back to the couch and watched an engineering program that Raven was into. 

It was close to 11:00pm before the door opened and my beautiful blonde girlfriend appeared. She looked exhausted and about to fall over, but her eyes lit up when they met mine. 

“Oh my god, I am so happy you are here.” Her voice sounded tired and hoarse. I stand while she sets her bag on the counter before quickly to meet me and embrace me in a warm hug and whispers, “I missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too.” I whisper and tighten my arms around her. 

“Hey, still present! I’m always down for a heartfelt reunion but this is a little too mushy for me.” Raven jokes. “Welcome home, Clarkie Poo.”

“You’re just jealous that i have a hot girlfriend and you’re still single.” Clarke sticks her tongue out at the engineer. 

“Yeah right!” Raven shouts back, poking Clarke in the ribs. “Alright, I’m going to bed. You two lovebirds have a goodnight.”

Raven disappears into her bedroom, leaving us both still standing in the living room. We stood there for a while just enjoying each other’s presence and warmth. I could tell that she was tired by the way she rested almost all of her weight into me and rested her head on my shoulder. I run my hand up and down her back, feeling the tension leaving her body with each passing second. 

“Did you eat? Raven and I ordered food earlier, I could heat some up for you.” Clarke shakes her head before pulling back. 

“No, I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning.” She responds. 

“Well, this is what we are going to do,” I pause giving her a kiss before continuing, “I’m going to heat up a plate for you while you take a shower and relax.” I give her another kiss, this one lasting a little longer than the last. Her soft lips were so intoxicating and I couldn’t help but think how right we were for each other. 

“You are too perfect and amazing.” Clarke whispers, pulling me in for another kiss before disappearing down the hall. I grabbed a plate and started dishing up a variety of foods for Clarke. After I placed the plate in the microwave, I started to wash the couple dishes in the sink. By the time I finished, the food was done and I grabbed it before fishing out a fork from the drawer and making my way to Clarke’s room. 

When I got in there, I could still hear the shower was still running so I placed her plate on the nightstand on her side of the bed. A t-shirt and flannel pants on the other side of the bed catches my eye and I feel my heart pull at the kind gesture. They are the same pajamas that I have worn every night that I spent here. 

I quickly change and move into the laundry room on the other side of the apartment to switch my clothes from the washer to the dryer. When I opened the dryer I noticed that there are already clothes in there. I debate whether to take them out or not as I didn't exactly know whose clothes they are but then I notice a yellow blouse that I know belongs to a certain blonde. I grab the laundry basket and set it in front of the dryer and begin to remove the clean clothes. 

I’m halfway through with removing the clothes when something catches my eye and I can feel my heart rate escalating. My brain was foggy and my mouth suddenly went dry because in my hand was a very sexy black thong. It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t thinking about a specific sexy blonde in the sexy, lacy black thong. 

“Hey Lexa - oh.” Clarke suddenly appears in the doorway causing me to jump and drop the thong into the basket below. 

“Hey! Um, I was just, uh, switching over the laundry.” I felt the heat spread across my face as I saw her eyes glance from me to the basket in front of me. “I noticed that your clothes were in here so I thought I would take them out for you.”

“Yeah! Yeah, thank you.” Clarke shakes her head before walking up to me, giving me a kiss on the cheek before bending down and grabbing the thong and lifting it with one finger. “I see you have found my special underwear.”

“Um, I’m sorry. I didn’t know-” She cut me off with a passionate kiss. My hands instantly wrap around her waist and bring her closer. I feel her arms wrap tightly around my neck and one hand entangling itself in my hair. The kisses began to heat up and I could feel her tongue sweep across my lips, asking for entrance. I eagerly accept the warmth and try to pull her even closer. 

Our kisses continue to grow in passion and soon Clarke’s back was against the wall and I could feel her soft curves under my hands. Clarke was releasing soft moans and I couldn’t help but think it was the sexiest noise I have ever heard. Suddenly, I felt her hands leave my neck and run across my stomach. I felt all the confidence leave my body and all I could feel was how bony my body was. I slowed it down before pulling away.

“I’m sorry.” I say as I lean my forehead against hers, trying to catch my breath. 

“Don’t be.” She pulls me into a slow, languid kiss before sliding herself out of the room. “I’ll be waiting for you in my bed.” She throws a wink at me before walking off. I chuckle to myself as I finish switching over the laundry and starting the dryer before grabbing the basket and making my way to Clarke’s room. I set the basket down by the dresser and turn towards the bed only to see the blonde curled up and on the verge of sleep. I crawl into the bed and bring her closer to me. Clarke gives me a sleepy smile before snuggling into me more. I nuzzle into the blonde curls before drifting off to sleep myself. 

I stared at my reflection in the mirror of Clarke’s bathroom. I came over knowing that Clarke would be at work, but Raven wanted to help me get ready for my interview, which was very kind of her. I ran my hands down the front of my shirt, trying to smoothe the non-existent wrinkles. Raven had helped me apply a little makeup and curl my hair. I looked nice. I looked really nice and I couldn’t help but smile at myself. 

“C’mon chica! We don’t want you to be late!” Raven shouts from the living room. I rush out and grab the papers off the counter and fling my backpack onto my shoulder.

“Okay. Ready.” I give her a wide smile and a thumbs up. 

“Alrighty, let’s go.” 

15 minutes later we were sitting in the parking lot at the local elementary school and I was trying to work up the nerves to walk in. I felt excited and extremely nervous at once. I just stared ahead at the entrance, trying to gather as much courage and confidence as I could before heading in. I enter through a door that says OFFICE and go up to the counter where a woman with light brown hair.

“Hi, can I help you?” The lady asks. 

“Um, hello, I have an interview for the job posting for the cafeteria.” I responded trying to sound a little professional although my hands were starting to shake. 

“Oh, let me just call Mrs. Forrester for you then.” She picks up the phone and mumbles a few words into it before hanging back up. “She will be right out if you want to have a seat.”

“Thank you.” I turn around and sit down on one of the plastic chairs. I look through the different sheets of papers, making sure that I have filled out every spot and checked every box that needed it. Suddenly a tall, dark skinned woman walks out. Her whole demeanor screams professional and refined. Her aura demanded respect and I felt an immediate desire to be near her, not romantically, but to learn from her. 

“Ms. Woods.” She calls from her spot in her doorway. I immediately stand and extend my hand for her to shake.

“Hello.” I greet as she takes my hand in hers.

“Right this way.” She leads me through the doorway that she had just come out of. It was a nice office, there was a bookshelf with a variety of different books. There was a nice dark desk that was neatly organized. This woman was professional and organized. “Please have a seat. I understand that you are inquiring about a job in the cafeteria.”

“Yes, I am.” I replied as I sat in one of the plush chairs in front of her desk. These were much softer than the ones out in the lobby. I slid the papers onto her desk and she took them, looking them over before directing her attention towards me. 

“Do you have a resume or any work experience?” She asks.

“Uh, no. Unfortunately I have not been able to get a job in the last few years but I am a really hard worker and dedicated.” 

“Okay, moving on. What is your greatest strength?”

“I am hardworking and loyal. I will go out of my way to help others and look out for others. I haven’t had the best start of life, but I try to have a positive outlook on everyday life. I don’t like to dwell on the negatives.” I keep my hands in my lap, hoping to hide my fidgeting fingers. 

“That is a good way of living.” She continues to ask me questions from a list from her paper. I try to answer them the best I can, but I got the feeling that I was not looking like the best candidate. I kept glancing at her nameplate. Indra Forrester. 

  
  


_ “Do you have a momma?” I asked from my chair, shoving the mac n’ cheese into my mouth.  _

_ “Of course, little squirt.” Anya laughs and rustles her hand through my hair. I give her a bright smile before going back to my food.  _

_ “Where is she?” _

_ “She is a professor at a very fancy college.” _

_ “Really?! That is so cool. She teaches big kids!” Anya chuckles at my amazement. “Does she know about me?” I grow quiet as I look into my bowl.  _

_ “She does know about you, she wasn’t happy about it at first but now she knows how important you are to me.” She reassures me as she runs her hand on my back.  _

_ “Will I ever meet her?” I met her warm brown eyes. _

_ “Maybe someday, little squirt.” She kisses my forehead before continuing to eat her food. _

  
  


“Alright, Ms. Woods, I believe that concludes our interview.” She starts to stand up and I get the feeling that I may have not gotten the job. I stand and since I probably will not see her again, I go ahead and ask what has been on my mind the whole interview. 

“Do you have any kids?” She looks taken aback by the question, but quickly schools the shocked expression. 

“I did.” Her stare is calculating and a little cold, trying to figure out where I am going with my question. It makes me freeze for a moment, debating to continue.

“Was her name Anya?” The shocked expression crosses her face again. “I’m sorry if I am overstepping but I recognized your last name and she was a very important person to me. Again, I’m sorry, you’re probably not even related.” I start to backtrack and gather my things before turning back to the door. 

“No, don’t leave yet!” She rushes out, her arm outstretched. I turned around to see her eyes looking into my eyes, unshed tears in both of ours. “You were the little girl she took in, weren’t you?”

“Yes. That was me.” I look down towards my feet, not really knowing what to do. I have never actually met her when I was younger but I knew Anya was trying to get her schedules aligned to visit her before she passed. 

“You are the one that leaves the wildflowers on her grave.” She is looking at me, almost desperately.

“Yes, she always loved it when I would bring them to her when I was younger. Always said they were her favorite.” I chuckle, running my hand through my hair.

“She used to do the same for me. We lived in a cottage when she was a little girl and she would run to the meadow and pick the flowers there and bring them back to me.” She smiles as she reminisces in the memories. “She would be so proud. Wildflowers soon became my favorite flowers.” 

“She was an amazing person and I owe everything I am to her.” I give her a small smile.

“I wanted to meet you so bad.” She says as she comes closer and takes my hands. “I was planning on coming that Christmas to spend with you two. How have you been? Why are you applying to be a cafeteria worker?”

“Well, um, I’m actually homeless. Have been for a few years, that’s kind of why I don’t have work experience. I need a job and I feel like this is something I have to do right now.” My voice shakes and I take a deep breath afterwards. I feel her hands tighten around mine and I look up to see tears in her eyes. Her eyes look into mine and I can see the emotion in her stoic face. 

“I’m so sorry.” I shake my head, not needing to hear the slew of apologies. 

“No, no. It’s okay.” I reassure her as I squeeze her hands. “I have been okay, it might not have been ideal, but I have been okay.”

“I could’ve done something.” She tries to argue but I continue to shake my head. 

“You couldn’t have. It’s fine. I have been doing fine but now everything is looking up. I have a girlfriend, an amazing girlfriend. The only thing I need right now, is a job.” I stare up at her and see her warm eyes. She does something that surprises me, she pulls me into a tight hug. I never would have thought that this woman would be hugging me now or that this is the way the interview would go. 

“You’ve got the job.” She says adamantly as she pulls me in tighter. “Would you like to get some lunch with me sometime?” 

“Uh, yes! I would love to, it’s just, uh, my friend is waiting outside for me. Thank you so much for giving me the job.” I give her a bright smile and give her hands one more squeeze. “I would love to get lunch with you though.”

“Well, orientation will be next Wednesday at 10:00. You get an hour lunch break and if you want, we can grab lunch and get to know each other.” She sounds a little hesitant and I get where she is coming from. It was just a regular job interview, that wasn’t going too well, but then it turns out that I am her dead daughter’s foster kid. 

“Yes! Let’s do that.” I reassured her and I could see her face relax. We stood there for a moment more before she moved and retrieved a stack of papers for me to fill out before orientation. She escorted me out the door and I waved at the lady at the front desk before moving out the door. I see Raven standing next to her car with her arms crossed and staring at the opposite way. I get halfway when she notices me and waves at me. 

“Hey chica, how did it go!” She hollers at me. I try to contain my smile but it just grows the closer I get to her. “Did you get it?” She seems to notice the excitement I tried to contain. “You got it, didn’t you?” 

I couldn’t help but nod, unable to hold my smile in any longer. She screams in excitement and rushes to me to wrap me up in a big hug. It almost feels like she is crushing me but I wouldn’t change it for anything because I wrap my arms around her just as tight. 

“I’m so proud of you! Now let’s go find some cans!” Her excitement is contagious and I couldn’t help but laugh. We spent the whole afternoon collecting cans and bottles, which we took into the recycling center and made half the money I need for the uniform. I felt like I had accomplished so much in this one day and I couldn’t help but be proud of myself. 

When we got back to the apartment, we made pancakes and started watching a new comedy show that Raven has been dying to watch. Clarke came home halfway through the show. She went directly to her room and I don’t believe she noticed me. I looked over to Raven, who only shrugged her shoulders before I got up and went to her room. I knocked on her door before walking in and to see her standing next to he desk, on the phone. I sit on the bed to wait for her to get off the phone. 

I hear her give orders to the other person on the line and ask about various things about the opening for tomorrow. At some point she moves from the desk next to me and settles her head on my shoulder. I take her free hand in mine and play with her hand. I think of a way to tell her that I have found a job and what that means for our future. Eventually she gets off the phone and releases a deep sigh. 

“Ugh! I want this opening to be over.” She exhales. “I don’t know why everyone has lost their minds these past couple of weeks. I’m just exhausted.” 

“I know, but it will be over soon and everything will be over soon.” I rub her shoulder and she curls into me even more.

“How was your day?” She asks from her spot on my shoulder and I could feel her breath on my neck. 

“It was good. I have some news.”

“Really, what is it?”

“Well, um, I got a job.” Her head immediately pops up from my shoulder as she stares at me. 

“Are you serious?” She asks excitedly, looking in my eyes. I nod my head and she launches herself at me. My arms wrap around her but the force knocks me over as my back hits the mattress, Clarke’s warm body on top of mine. “Congratulations! I’m so proud of you.” 

She laughs reverberates off the walls and I couldn’t help but laugh with her. She props herself on her elbows and gives me a passionate kiss. I meet her with the same passion and I wonder how I have ever lived without her. 

“You are amazing.” She whispers when she pulls her lips away. 

“I love you.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath of Lexa's admission and Clarke opens up a bit more. Clarke's POV

Clarke's POV

Green eyes looked straight into mine, searching. My brain was in overdrive and I couldn’t believe the words she had just spoken. My mouth opened and shut but my tongue could form no words. 

I could tell she was starting to panic as her smile dropped and she curled in her shoulders trying to make herself look small. I got off her and sat with my legs criss-crossed. Lexa follows although now keeping her distance, and I feel guilt overtake my body and immediately take her hands into mine. 

“You don’t have to -” She starts to mumble.

“I love you too!” I scream out, effectively cutting her off. I pull her in closer to me and give her a smoldering kiss. God, I love her lips. “I love you.” I whisper against her lips when I pull away. I felt her mouth pull into a smile and I couldn’t help but pull her into another kiss. 

“Are you sure you’re not saying that just because?” The brunette questions and I couldn’t help but feel my heart break at the insecurity in her voice. This woman was amazing, she had been dealt a crappy hand in life but she faces each day with a smile. She is strong and beautiful and kind. She is what disney princesses are made of. 

Instead of answering her, I tighten my grip on one of her hands and pull her off the bed. She stumbles at first but is fast to find her footing. I drag her out of my room and pull her through the hallway and around the living room to the door that opens to my at-home studio. There is a second where I think this is not a good idea, but it is quickly tossed aside because Lexa needs to know. She needs to know how important she is to me and that I truly, truly love her. 

So I take a deep breath and turn the knob. Once the door is open, I gesture to her to walk in. I watch as she takes in the room that housed multiple easels, paints, and sketch pads strewn across the room. Although, she doesn’t focus on any of those items, how can she when there were canvases upon canvases of her staring right at her. Most of the paintings are variations of her expressive green eyes, while others are of her face, and some are full body portraits. They were all painted by memory as I could never get the green-eyed goddess out of my head. 

I stood in the doorway as I watched as she took in each and every canvas, sometimes caressing the corners with her fingertips. I wondered what was going through her mind as she stared at the different perspectives of her own face. I would give anything to be able to see my art through her eyes, those beautiful green eyes. 

She turned to me from the other side of the room and I could see the shock in her eyes. The disbelief that I would go through all that work to make her a piece of art, but she is the true piece of art. I make my way over to her and take her hands into mine. 

“Did you paint all of this?” Lexa asked, seemingly having a hard time wrapping her head around the whole situation. 

“Yes. Lexa, I meant when I said that I fall for you more and more everyday. The moment I saw your eyes, I couldn’t get them out of my head. I was in a slump for months. Not being able to make anything with my hands, hands that have sculpted and painted magnificent pieces of work.” I looked down at my hands holding hers. I run my fingers along hers. Her hands and fingers were rough and course but still feminine. They used to be dry and cracked when we first met but I would grab some lotion and massage her hands and arms, at first it was just an excuse to touch her but it had become a routine before bed. 

“It wasn’t just my work though. I felt like I was just walking through life with no place to go. My mom would make me go to galas and force me to meet all these people and hope that I would meet someone, but no one stood out to me. I’ve had relationships in the past, although none of them have made me feel the way you make me feel.”

I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I could feel her squeeze my hands tighter. I wanted to hug her and bury my face in her neck, but I knew she needed to hear it. To hear how extraordinary she is and how she makes me feel, and I need to look into her eyes as I say it. 

“Everyone always expects something from me. My mother expects me to be put together and well behaved. People at work expect me to be able to produce artwork or to run the gallery and fix their messes. And my friends, I love my friends, but they expect me to be the same person I was before my father passed. They still want me to be the fun, wild party girl Griffin. But you, you don’t expect anything from me. I can be myself and that is more than enough for you.”

I release her hands and take her face, running my thumbs across her cheeks before continuing. “You make me laugh when I’m having a bad day and smile when I am upset. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. You make me happy, beyond happy even. I know our relationship is moving quickly and we’ve only known each other for about two months, but they have been the best months of my life. Lexa, you are an amazing person. You are kind, strong, beautiful, and grateful for everything that you have and experienced. I love you, Lexa Woods.”

I finish my long declaration of love and see the tears in her eyes. They aren’t tears of sorrow, though, more like a mixture of happiness and relief. Relief of the constant doubt that she is unlovable or that she has nothing to offer even if I know otherwise. You can only tell yourself so much before you start to fall into the depths of despair, but to have someone on your side and holding your hand, that could mean the world. I don’t know what it is to be like Lexa or even to know what homelessness feels like, but I am determined to be the one to hold her hand. 

She pulls me in by the waist and buries her head into my shoulder. Sobs wracked her body as she cried. I just hold tightly to her and let her feel everything. Let her take in the words I have spoken and try to be the strong partner that she needs. I rub circles across her back while whispering loving words into her ear. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your shirt.” She apologizes when she pulls away and sees the wet spots on my t-shirt from her tears. She tries to rub away the tear stains with her fingers. 

“Don’t apologize. I will always be here for you, especially if you need a shoulder to cry on.” I pull her closer and kiss her temple. We relish in each other’s warmth before she pulls away and starts to examine the different paintings again. She stops in front of one of my favorites that I have made of her. 

It is of her eyes, her beautiful green eyes. I remember the day I painted it. It was after spending an afternoon with Lexa, sharing a berry salad with the brunette which she absolutely drooled over the strawberries. I couldn’t get her green eyes out of my head, they always reminded me of a vibrant green forest. So when I got back to my gallery, I immediately ran into my studio, ignoring Octavia’s shouts. I worked for a solid five and a half hours without putting my brush down. The end result was beyond what I expected. Her irises were a forest of trees with multiple shades of green and her eyes looked bright and graceful. Warpaint shaped her eyes from the white background. It was regal and magnificent, my masterpiece.

“I can’t believe you painted this.” She states in awe. “Well, I most certainly can believe as you are really talented, but I have never seen myself this way.”

“You, my dear, are amazing. You are strong and brave and tough. You are like the strong redwood trees, not only resilient but truly magnificent.” I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. “The first time I saw your eyes, it was like looking into an unseen lush forest.”

“Your eyes remind me of bodies of water.”

“How so?”

“When you're happy or content they are lighter and remind me of a cool lake on a warm day, just inviting you to dip your feet in. Or dark like the tumultuous ocean before a big storm, or shimmering like a hidden waterfall.”

“That is very poetic.” I chuckle and pull her closer. “It is going to be auctioned off at my mother’s hospital charity gala next month.”

“I’m glad it will go to a good cause, but I will be sad to see it go.” Lexa turns in my arms before sliding her arms under mine and wrapping them around me. Her head lays on my shoulder as we stand in my studio for a few minutes. 

“Are you tired? Do you want to head to bed, baby?” I don’t get much of a response, just a hum of approval. I pull her back out and into my room, keeping her hand in mine. I grab some clothes from the drawer before telling her that I was going to take a quick shower, lord knows I need it after today. I steal a glance at her before I completely close the door and see her grabbing the same clothes she uses when she is over from my drawer. It warms my heart to see that she is comfortable enough around me and my room now. 

I don’t spend long in the shower, just long enough to rinse off and give my hair a quick wash. How could I, when there is a sexy brunette in my clothes in my bed. After drying off and dressing, I make my way back into my room to find Lexa already curled up under the covers. She is still awake but her eyes are struggling to stay open. I plug my phone into the charger on my nightstand before crawling into bed and wrapping my arms around Lexa’s waist, effectively becoming her big spoon. I look over Lexa’s shoulder to see her softly snoring away, unable to stay awake any longer. I kiss her shoulder and whisper goodnight before nodding off myself. 

  
  


_ “C’mon crazy kid, we got to meet your mother at the hospital!” Jake yells from the base of the stairs.  _

_ “I’m coming! Just give me a second.” I respond as I rush from my bathroom to my bedroom to grab my clutch that is sitting on my bed. I am visiting my parents while on summer break from college and my mother has another one of her stupid galas. I never know why she makes me go to these things when all she does is talk about how great she is and tries to set me up with any eligible bachelor! My dad is the only one who keeps me sane during these things. We mostly hang from behind and make fun of the uptight, arrogant, and wealthy fools.  _

_ Once I have my clutch, I do one last once over in the mirror on my dresser and nod my approval to my reflection. I rush to the stairs and walk briskly down while holding the railing, with my luck I will stumble and break my ankle so I can never be too careful. My dad is dressed nicely in a tuxedo and smiling up at me. It’s a smile that tells me that he is reminiscing and he tends to do this whenever we get dressed for my mother’s fancy events ever since I was a little girl.  _

_ “You never stop growing more beautiful, do you?” There is a twinkle in his eye and it nevers fails to make me believe his words. He extends his elbow and I give him a curtsy before placing my hand in the crook of his elbow. “Well, my lady, our carriage awaits!” He says in an awful british accent making me laugh as he leads us out the door.  _

_ It isn’t long before we make it to the venue of the gala and my mother is already there with a group of other surgeons, no doubt bragging about her latest surgery. I refrain from rolling my eyes as my dad and I walk up to the group. There are a couple older guys and one younger, probably an intern, and I knew what was going to happen next.  _

_ “Jake, Clarke, these are some of my colleagues. Dr. Gerald, head of cardio. Dr. Yancy, head of general. Dr. Ryan, an excellent psychologist, and Dr. Nelson, a fellow trauma surgeon.” She gestures to each of the older gentlemen, but it doesn’t stop there. “Clarke, I would like you to meet Dr. Finn Collins. He is our youngest resident and an excellent upcoming surgeon.” _

_ She is smiling so brightly, it’s disgusting and unnerving. She tries to subtly push me towards him but I stand my ground and extend my hand, trying to be civil. “Nice to meet you.” I greet with a restrained smile.  _

_ It wasn’t even 30 mins later before I ditched the arrogant bastard in preference of my father’s company. He was standing regally by my mother and talking up the fellow doctors and making them laugh. He always knew how to keep the conversation light and happy and entertain a crowd, he was amazing with people. I slid up to him and he gave me a side hug that I lean into.  _

_ “Do you want to dance?” He asks, clearly getting bored with entertaining these fools and ready to spend the rest of the night having fun. He loves to dance and I notice that his favorite song is playing, Stand by Me by Ben E. King. _

_ “Of course.” I take his hand as he pulls me to the dance floor and then it is just me and him away from all the other people in the room. He starts humming the first few verses, content spending his evening just like this.  _

_ “I have dreams of us dancing to this song for the father-daughter dance at your wedding. Well, whenever you ever decide to settle down with someone.” He chuckles.  _

_ “Hey! I can commit to someone!” I defend myself, giving him a light tap as discipline. “There just hasn't been anyone that is worth settling down for.” _

_ “Well, whenever you do find that someone, I will be there to walk you down the aisle and dance with you so hard at the reception.” He cracks up at the last part. I can’t help but laugh hysterically as well, tears stinging my eyes.  _

_ “I’m holding you to that, old man.” _

I am walking through the hallway of the gallery, double checking that everything is all set before the opening tonight. I look down at my tablet, scrolling through the itinerary for tonight when I almost crash into another person. That person happened to be Octavia. 

“Hey Griff, are you busy right now?” She asks as she walks next to me. 

“No, not at all!” I reply sarcastically and gesture to my tablet and the multiple papers I am currently carrying. 

“Oh come on! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. Well, I’ve seen you but it has always been work related and when you’re not working, you’re locked in your studio or at home.” She rambles. “We should have a get together, all of us. Me, you, Rae, and the whole gang and catch up!”

It was then that I realized that I haven’t told her about Lexa, or any of my other friends about my girlfriend. I stopped immediately as the guilt flowed through my body. I never meant to hide Lexa from all my friends, well besides Raven, but I have just been so trapped in our little bubble that I forgot to tell everyone. There was also a very big chance that Raven was going to tell everyone when she first knew, so maybe I was kind of relying on her to spread the word. 

“Um, listen O, there is something that I need to tell you. You can’t freak out on me though.” I say carefully.

“Okay.” She drags out. “What is it?”

“The reason that I haven’t been around is…”

“What? Is it bad?”

“No. No, it’s definitely not bad.” I take a deep breath as I gather my thoughts. “O, I have a girlfriend. That’s why you haven’t seen me in a while. She is amazing and everything that I have been looking for.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. So, not only do you have a girlfriend but you are talking about her like you are going to marry her.” Octavia says a little frustrated, seemingly trying to wrap her head around it. 

“Well we are not there yet, but I do love her.” I say shyly as I took an interest in staring at my boots. 

“Look Griff, I’m happy that you have a girlfriend, extremely happy. I would like to meet her. Hell, we would all like to meet her. How about we plan a get together and you bring her.” She says excitedly and gives me a bone-crushing hug. I chuckled at her enthusiasm. 

“I’ll ask her and let you know. Now, you and I have to get back to work!” I give her a big smile as I start walking to my office again. I spent most of my day running around and making sure everything was set up for the opening tonight. When it was an hour til, I got dressed in my office. It was a simple blue gown, nothing fancy but still elegant. I felt like I was missing something, well more like someone. For the longest time I had always had other people with me for events like this, my father, an ex, or even Raven sometimes, but in the last few years, I have attended by myself. It didn’t bother me for a while so I couldn’t really place why I felt like there was a giant hole in my chest at the moment. 

I finished putting my accessories on and touched up my makeup before my phone lit up on my desk. I opened it to find a message from Raven. At first I thought that something was wrong as she knew I had an opening today and didn't really message me during working hours, but when I saw a picture attached, I couldn’t help the huge smile that grew on my face. They were in the garage with Raven’s current motorcycle project in the background but they were ear to ear with wide grins and sporting grease marks. 

I felt the hole start to go away and warmth spread throughout my chest. I am extremely grateful that Raven has taken to Lexa so quickly, she usually is more stand-offish and rude to the previous people that I have dated. Raven would have her over at her garage every so often and then would bring her to the apartment afterwards. I could not thank her enough for everything that she is doing for Lexa, but she is probably just happy that she has someone to teach and help with her restoration projects. She could go on and on about anything to do with engines and mechanisms. Hopefully she doesn’t teach Lexa how to blow anything up. 

I wish I could have Lexa by my side for tonight but I knew that it would be crowded and she would be uncomfortable, plus with me hosting, I would not get a moment alone with her so it wouldn’t be fair to her. I heard a knock at my door but couldn’t tear my eyes away from the photo. 

“Come in!”

“Hey Clarke, people are starting to arrive.” Octavia states as she moves into my office and stops at my side. She peeks over my shoulder to see the photo on my screen. “Is that her?”

“Yeah, Raven likes to take her to the shop to work on her bike.” I state with a big smile and move my phone up so that she can see the picture better. “Her name is Lexa.”

“Lexa.” She tests the name out. “And Raven likes her?”

“Oh yeah, they have been hanging out a lot. Especially since I have been here mostly trying to set things up for the opening tonight.”

“Well now I have to meet her! She seems pretty special if Raven likes her already.” Octavia says before starting for the door again. “Now come on Griff, we have a party to get to.”

“Be right there.” I respond over to my shoulder before taking one last look at the photo and putting my phone in my clutch. After taking one last deep breath in the safety of my office, I leave and arrive in the lobby of the gallery and start greeting the influx of esteemed artists and eagar art students. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Raven and Lexa bonding, cause let's be honest, Raven is bestie goals! Mild drunk Lexa and fluff. Clarke takes Lexa to the zoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm sorry for disappearing for a while, but with work, school and a pandemic, life has been quite hectic. Thanks for sticking with me! Also another note that I wanted to address is, in this chapter, Clexa goes to a zoo for a date. I just want to put it out there that I am a HUGE animal WELFARE activist (laws and regulations concerning the care for the well being and proper treatment for animals) and that while there are some zoos that only focus on the profits off the animals, there are a lot of zoos that treat their animals well and do a lot of animal husbandry. Another reason why I support zoos (that are legit and actually focus on the animals) is because they do a lot of conservation work and educate the public. I know there are conflicting views on zoos but I believe that they have the potential to do a lot of good if they are managed properly. In this story, the zoo is not just a zoo but also a sanctuary for animals.

Raven and I spent the day working on her bike before heading to the apartment for the evening. It was late when we arrived and Raven immediately went to work making her world famous enchiladas for dinner, with me as her very capable sous chef. I was chopping onions for her as she was managing the rest of the dish and conversation easily flowed. 

Once the food was in the oven, we moved to the table to play Monopoly (Raven’s choice). It was a complex game and seemed that it was going to go on for a long time, but I didn’t mind as it kept me distracted from Clarke not being there. Raven chose to play as the car and I chose the dog.

“Do you want a beer?” Raven asks as she walks to the fridge.

“Um...sure.” I hesitantly replied. I didn’t want to be rude and decline the drink but I had never consumed alcohol before either, so I was a little anxious. The brunette popped the cap off and slid the bottle across the table to me. I took the first sip and couldn’t help the cringe that overcame me. Raven quietly chuckled and tried to hide her smile. 

Two hours later, we were still sitting at the table, plates empty with melted cheese still stuck to them, and the board littered with multicolored houses. I had multiple properties, including park place and boardwalk, and Raven’s stacks of colorful fake money slowly dwindling. We were both drunk, but not wasted, just happy to be sitting there playing a board game and laughing freely. I looked at the clock and saw that it was just after 1:00 in the morning, I was wondering when Clarke was going to get home as it was getting really late and I didn’t know how long these functions lasted. 

I’m pulled from my thoughts when Raven lands onto one of my green properties, which happened to have a hotel on them, effectively bankrupting her and crowning me the winner. Raven loudly claims that the gods were working against her, causing us both to erupt into uncontrollable laughter. 

We didn’t hear the door open but soon a beautiful blonde goddess was standing there and looking at us. She was absolutely stunning. Dressed in a cocktail dress and hair cascading and framing her face flawlessly. Make up perfectly applied, although she looks amazing with and without it. She stepped out of her heels and placed them off to the side of the door. She made me breathless. 

“What’s going on here?” The blonde asks as she takes in the board with various pieces on it along with the multiple empty bottles. She sidles up next to my chair and wraps her hand around the back. I couldn’t help but stare at her in awe.

“Miss lover pants here has decided that she was going to kick my ass and rule the world.” Raven laughs as we start to clear off the pieces and put the board away. My mind blanks as my focus is pulled between cleaning up and stealing glances at Clarke. Everytime I looked at her, my mouth would drop open only to be met with blue eyes staring at me. 

I guess Raven got tired fighting with my lack of focus and bid us goodnight, the mess could wait til morning. Without Raven pulling my attention away, I was now left with only Clarke’s beauty. Oh, how beautiful she was. Clarke slides into my lap and brings her hand that was draped across the back of my chair into my wild, curly locks. 

“Hi, baby. I missed you.” She says softly, placing a soft kiss to my cheek and

rubbing my scalp with her manicured fingers. A smile erupts across my face, although it never seems to go away when the blonde is around. I was still enamoured by her beauty and her rubbing my head was leaving me in a trance. My mind could not comprehend or form sentences.

“Hi.” I draw out and give her a bright smile. She chuckles at me and gives me a peck on the cheek which only makes me smile wider, my cheeks silently protesting. 

“You’re too cute. How many beers did Raven give you?” Clarke asks. A furrow crosses my face as I look at my hand in hers. I started to count on my fingers but my brain was fuzzy and I kept losing track. 

“Um..fou-five? I don’t know but I feel great!” I say as I throw my head back and look to the ceiling, only for the room to spin, pulling a groan from me. Clarke laughs and wraps her arm around my shoulders, supporting my head in the proper position. Our faces are brought together and I am staring at her ocean blue eyes. 

“You’re so pretty.” My words are slurred and my eyes feel heavy but she smells so good. I nuzzle myself into the crook of her neck and try to bring her even closer. I can feel her smile and her breathy chuckles.

“C’mon baby, let’s get you to bed.” The blonde extracts herself from me but doesn’t let go of my hand as she drags me to her room. As she is grabbing some night clothes for me from her dresser, I whip off my shirt followed closely by my pants. My brain is fuzzy and I don’t realize that I am undressing in front of another person, let alone Clarke, but my insecurities about my body are temporarily forgotten in my inebriated state. 

A gasp causes me to turn towards the blonde beauty to see that she has dropped the chosen clothes to the ground with her arms still outstretched in the air. Her eyes scanned me up and down before she caught herself, adverts her eyes, and bends down to grab the clothes. 

“I-I was not expecting you to do that.” Clarke stutters out and hands me the clothes.

“Whoops...sorry.” I chuckled and saw that she was struggling to keep her eyes off me. I couldn’t help but hold back a smirk as I threw on the shirt and flannel shorts. She is still looking at me with wide eyes when I pull her into a quick kiss before trying to not lose my balance on my way to the bathroom. 

After relieving myself and a quick teeth brushing, I head to the bed and crawl under the covers. My arm reaches to the other side only to find it empty. My head pops up and I pull the covers off my head, only to reveal that the blonde is still not there. I felt a frown take over and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the empty spot. 

“You’re going to burn a hole into the bed with that heated stare.” Her melodic voice comes behind me as she steps out of her closet in her pajamas. My head whips around and a smile immediately blooms across my face. 

“You weren’t here.” My voice is soft. 

“I was just hanging up my dress to take to the cleaners.” She chuckles as she slides into her side of the bed. I immediately wrap my arms around her when she is settled and rest my head against her shoulder. “You are being very affectionate tonight. I’m not complaining but it’s just different.”

“I just really missed you today.” I mumble. I would say more but my eyelids were heavy and I was losing the fight. I could feel her hand running up and down my back which was not helping my battle to stay awake. I remember feeling her lips on my forehead before darkness overtook me. 

I am awakened by the sun’s rays streaming in through the curtains. I still have yet to open my eyes but I shuffle closer to the warm body next to me and breathe in the soft lavender scent. Arms tighten around my waist and I finally open my eyes to meet soft blue ones. I slowly realize that this is the first time that I have woken up with Clarke still in the bed. The blonde is usually dressed and making breakfast for them or already at work leaving me with a note on her pillow. They were simple notes but loving, some would have cliche love quotes while others had corny jokes. Every single one of them are safely stowed away in a book in my bag, although Clarke doesn’t know that. 

“Good morning.” I mumble sleepily but couldn’t help the grin that crosses my face. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” She responds with a chuckle. Clarke shuffles closer until there is no space between us and our noses are touching. I lean closer and press a lazy kiss to her perfect lips. I intended it to be a chaste good morning kiss but it was slowly turning into a passionate make out session. Kissing Clarke became addicting and I ran my hand up her back until they came to meet blonde locks. 

I could feel her body against mine and the heat between us. Her grip tightened on my waist and she gently pushed me til my back hit the mattress. Her weight on top of mine made me feel safe and secure. The kisses were growing more heated by the second. Her tongue swept across mine, begging for entrance which I granted. I moaned when I felt her tongue brush against mine and I pulled her closer to me. I was loving every second and didn’t want this to end. 

That was until I felt her hands come up my sides and brush up against my bare skin. My fears and doubts came rushing back into my brain, shutting down all the good feelings. I became aware of the leg in between mine and the hands on my stomach felt soft but cold. I didn’t want Clarke to feel my protruding hip bones or ribs. I was ashamed of how my body looked, how could I not? I was malnourished and scrawny. I know it isn’t my fault and I have tried my best to keep myself alive for years. I have gained weight since meeting Clarke, but I am still vastly underweight.

I slowed the kiss down and pushed Clarke back before sitting upright, fixing my shirt so that there was no skin showing. Clarke sat next to me, although she did leave space between us. Her pupils were blown wide with a hint of confusion swirling in the small blues. 

“I’m sorry.” It was the first thing out of my mouth. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat there staring at my hands in my lap.

“No. It’s okay. I’m sorry if I pushed you too far.” Her words rush out and she places her hand on top of mine. I unfurl mine and start playing with her fingers. We sat in silence for a few minutes, I was trying to find the words to explain what I was feeling and Clarke was patiently waiting for me to respond.

“You didn’t push me.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “I liked it. I really did and I didn’t want to stop. Well, at first I didn’t want to stop.”

“What happened that made you want to stop?” 

“I don’t want you to touch me.” I couldn’t read her face. I was holding my breath and knew I had to explain why before she could think it was because of her. “I don’t want you to touch me because I am not comfortable with my body. I know you probably don’t care about it and would love me no matter what, but I am not happy with my body.” 

“I can understand that.” She speaks softly. She takes the hand that is not in mine and rubs circles on my wrist. It is soothing and I can feel myself breathing normally and my heart rate slowing. “Can you tell me what it is exactly that you don’t like about your body?”

I shuffle closer to her and lean my head on her shoulder, not disengaging our hands. I breath in her scent before continuing. “I don’t like how skinny and weak I am. Everything sticks out and I don’t look healthy.” I play with her fingers the whole time. I am grateful that she doesn’t immediately dismiss my dislikes about my body, but really listens to my concerns. 

“You know that it isn’t your fault right?” She asks softly.

“Yes. I know that. It’s just that I don’t feel healthy. I also have a lot of worries. I am trying to work through it but I just need time.” I wish that I could just give myself to her. It hurts me that I am the one holding our relationship from going to the next step. “I’m sorry. You probably want to take the next step and I am holding us back.”

“Lexa, babe.” Clarke states, pulling my chin to make me look into her eyes. “Your feelings are valid. There is no pressure for you to work out your feelings or doubts. I do not need sex for us to have a healthy relationship and I am not going to push you for something that you are not okay with. That is not healthy. I just want you to know that you can always come to me.” 

I felt the weight lift off my chest. Here was this gorgeous woman who could have anything she desired but she loves me and wants to genuinely help me. I pull her close and kiss her hard. I try to pour all of my feelings for her into that kiss. Even though I am not ready to have sex with her, it doesn’t mean that I am uncomfortable showing my affection for her. 

“Now, I am going to get breakfast started for us.” She whispers against my lips, giving me one last kiss before getting up and stepping into her bathroom. 

It was about an hour later after getting dressed and ready for the day, we stood in the kitchen. I was sitting on the stool at the counter while Clarke made cheesy eggs and bacon. Music is playing softly from Clarke’s phone. I watch the blonde move across the kitchen gracefully, humming softly. I get up and come up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and sway with her to the music. 

“I love that you have started to touch me.” Clarke whispers as she leans further into me. Her statement confuses me as I have never shied away from her touches, and accepted it gratefully. 

“What do you mean? I love holding your hand and being near you.”

“I know, but it was always me who initiated it. I was worried at first that you didn’t like to be touched and I was making you uncomfortable, but then you started to reach for my hand, or hug me. I like it and it makes me really happy that you are comfortable enough to open yourself up physically to me.”

I think for a bit on her words. I reflect on our time spent together and realized that she was right. At first, I was hesitant with just being in a relationship, then with Clarke holding my hand, or Clarke kissing me. As time went on though, it wasn’t just Clarke initiating touches. I started to reach out for her and be met with a warm embrace. 

“Do you know that physical touch is very important to elephants? It strengthens their bond with each other.” I mumble, growing a little uncomfortable with the attention on me. 

Clarke moves the eggs from the pan to the two plates set to the side. She then turns in my arms while wrapping hers around my neck. A small smirk plays on her lips. “Is that so? I love that you know all these animal facts. Where did you learn all of them?”

“I used to read a bunch of books when I was in school. They were mainly animal encyclopedias and journals, but I did indulge in novels every now and then.” I reach to turn off the stove behind Clarke before pulling her to the bar stools. We sit closely together with our shoulders brushing. “Anya used to joke that I would become a walking encyclopedia one day. I also switch to a documentary once Raven is asleep.”

Clarke chuckles at this. Raven would always dictate which show we would watch, but would fall asleep shortly after starting. We ate with a comfortable silence filling the air. Once finished, we gathered the plates and cleaned up. I helped by rinsing off the dishes and loading the dishwasher. Clarke turns to me after drying her hands on a towel. “So, I have the day off and was wondering if you wanted to wpen the day together?”

“Of course. What did you have in mind?” I ask as I press a kiss to her forehead. I feel her let out a deep breath and lean into my touch. 

“Well, it is a nice day out and I want to take you somewhere specific but I want it to be a surprise.” Clarke says softly She plays with my fingers as she speaks, a nervous habit she has picked up that I absolutely adore. 

“You’re not going to take me out to a secluded area and kill me, right? Cause that would just be rude.” I respond sarcastically, causing a small chuckle from the blonde. 

“No, and don’t joke about that. I don’t know what I would do without you anymore.” She pecks my cheek before moving to stand beside the couch. “So, do you want to go on an adventure?”

“With you? Always.” She launches herself into my arms and kisses me passionately. We separate shortly after and get ready to head out. Shoes are on, I grab my bag as she gets her purse and keys, then we are headed out the door. 

It was about a forty minute drive before Clarke pulled into a large parking lot. There is a large building with a brick wall that extends from both sides and enclosing the area. I assume that the building is the entrance. We get out of the car and make our way towards the big building when a banner catches my eye.  _ Polis Zoo & Sanctuary. _

I felt excitement build in my body and it only grows with each step close. Clarke must have noticed my body vibrating with happiness, because a laugh escapes from her chest. She pulls me closer, pecking my cheek. My cheeks hurt from the giant smile on my face but I don’t try to restrain it. I didn’t care if I looked weird, my anxiety be damned. I was too excited to see the different exotic animals that the zoo housed which were a far cry from the park’s squirrels. 

“Anya brought me here once. It was the best day ever. She let me talk her ear off about all the animals and got me cotton candy. It was one of our last times together before she was taken from me, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” I don’t know why I told her that memory, but I was happy that I felt comfortable enough to share it with her. I liked sharing my experiences with Clarke and no matter how sad or dark, she never looked at me with pity or tried to analyze me. She just accepted. 

“Well, are you ready to create more memories?” Clarke asks giddily before dragging me to the entrance booth. She paid the admission while I grabbed a map and started to familiarize the area. It always eased my anxiety of being in a new place when I can know what the layout is. Clarke looked over my shoulder as we planned what would be the best route to take.

We spent the whole day together at the zoo. We learned about all the animals and the zoo’s conservation efforts. I got to hold a red-tailed boa constrictor at an animal encounter. I convinced Clarke to take a picture of me with the large snake draped across my shoulders with a huge smile on my face, even though her face was more of a grimace. Clarke was not a reptile fan and I guess I could understand that even though I thought they were cool. Most reptiles are prehistoric creatures that haven’t changed in millions of years. 

We were coming close to the end of our zoo adventure when Clarke excused herself to the restroom. I immediately set out on my secret mission to locate the nearest food stand. I scoured my pockets to find the extra dollars that I have saved from collecting cans and bought a jumbo bag of cotton candy. I thanked the man working the station before returning to the spot Clarke left me at. Thankfully she hadn’t come back yet. 

I tucked it behind my back as I saw her exit the building where the restrooms were located. As she was walking towards me, I couldn’t help the smile that stretched across my face. She lifts an eyebrow questioningly as she stops right in front of me. I bring the bag out from behind my back and Clark cracks up laughing. 

“You are a child.” She giggles as she lifts up on her tiptoes to give me a sound kiss on the lips. 

“Hey! This is the best day of my life!” I retort while pulling her close and give her a chaste kiss. “Now help me devour this bag of pure sugar.” 

We stroll along, casually sharing the cotton candy and stopping every so often to see the animals. Clarke was patient as I took my time reading the placards with the information on the different species and what their population in the wild looked like. The blonde giggles as she sees my excitement at discovering the penguin exhibit. “Did you know that penguins mate for life? Some species, one mate will collect rocks to build the perfect nest for their mates. Others will do a mating dance that will imprint their mate’s look and voice into their mind forever. Can you imagine never forgetting your love’s face and voice?” I ramble in awe of these little creatures. 

“That sounds amazing.” Clarke whispers. I turn towards her, watching while she gazes upon the penguins socializing. I attempt to commit her face to memory exactly how it was. The way the sun shone on her golden locks, her full cheeks, blue eyes, and the way her mouth is slightly open and pulled in a small smile. I never wanted to forget her. The worst thing about losing someone you love is slowly forgetting specific things about them. You never truly forget them, but the sound of their voice or the little things or habits they had slowly slip out of your mind and details of their face slowly fade.

I felt it happen with Anya. Her voice slipped from me and I’ve tried to hold onto it with a vice like grip. It is one of the reasons why I talk about her so frequently. Anya was a huge part of my life. I felt like if I talked about her, then the memories wouldn’t fade away. I would replay moments over and over, trying to recall her voice word for word. I didn’t want that to happen with Clarke. I wanted to remember every little detail on her face. I wanted to remember her voice, her laugh. I didn’t know how long the beautiful blonde was going to be in my life, but I knew I wanted to with her for the rest of mine. 

Clarke catches my gaze and slides closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist while resting her head upon my shoulder. I laid my arm across her shoulders and pulled her closer into my chest. We stood there in silence for a while, just watching the penguins and enjoying each other’s company. We didn’t always need to fill the silence, just content with the other’s company. 

“You know, penguins are only one of the many species that display homosexual relationships?” Clarke looks at me in shock. 

“You’re telling me that there are gay penguins!” She states loudly, causing some people to turn and stare at the loud outburst from the blonde. I laughed hard at the look of amazement on her face. 

“Yes, and they have been known to steal eggs from other couples and raise them as their own. They have also been known to take in eggs that have been abandoned.”

“Awe! That is so cute! Penguins are amazing!” Clarke squeals as she looks back to the small black and white creatures waddling about their enclosures. “We totally would be penguins.”

We left the zoo in the early evening, our feet too tired to walk any longer. Before leaving, Clarke dragged me through the gift shop, stating that she needed something to commemorate the day. We walked out with Clarke holding two stuffed penguins that the blonde insisted were us in a past life. She gave me the important job of making sure they were safe and secure on the way home. I couldn’t help but smile and pull the stuffed penguins closer to my body. 

Once home, we cuddled up on the couch with the pair of penguins while watching a show that Clarke was really into lately. We decided to order a pizza as we were too tired to make a big meal. As we ate, we put on a game show and competed with the families on the show. Obviously we were the superior team and that was why we couldn’t be on the show, we wouldn’t want all the other teams to feel inferior. Raven had showed up briefly, stealing slices of pizza and running off to her room. 

Long after the sun had set and our bellies were full, we went through our routine of getting ready for bed. Clarke puts on a documentary on the wildlife in Central America as she settles into bed. I slide in beside her and she immediately curls into my body. I can feel her nodding off already and press a kiss to her temple. 

“I love you.” The blonde mumbles out before sleep overtakes her. 

“I love you too, Clarke.” I whisper back. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Indra have a heart to heart. Lexa starts to open up more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for not updating as much, but I will try to update more regularly! Hope you guys like this and sorry if it makes you cry, I just want to express all the emotions, but it will start to get more happier!

I slid my hands up and down my jeans as I sat in the office of Polis Elementary. The secretary was silently working in a sea of desks. She seemed really busy and with the school year starting shortly, I could see why she would be stressed. The office was a little intense, almost making me feel like I was back to being fourteen again, watching the time pass by while waiting for the principal to emerge from their layer. Except this time I am not in trouble for some stupid nonsense that the other kids have pinned on me, all because I was a foster kid. 

A door opening caught my eye. Indra stepped out of her office, followed by two men and a woman dressed in fancy clothing. I watched as they nodded and shook hands goodbye. Once they were out the door, Indra turned towards me. I immediately stood up and straightened out my clothes, wanting to be presentable. She approaches me, although it is in slow motion as my heart pounds in my chest. 

_ “What is your mom like?” I ask, trying to twirl my fork like Anya showed me for optimal spaghetti transport to my mouth.  _

_ “Well, she can be pretty intense.” Anya chuckles before steadying my hand so I don’t drop the red sauced pasta into my lap again. She did have the good sense to drape a napkin across my lap to prevent any more stains.  _

_ “Why?” _

_ “My mother has spent her life having to prove herself to her peers. She is a very intelligent woman and demands respect.” Anya answers. She always told me like it is, never sugar coating. It is what I appreciated most about her. Being an orphan at a young age, you grow up quick and just want answers. “She doesn’t want people belittling her, so to prevent that happening, she takes charge. My mother is confident and doesn’t like surprises. She prefers to know what is going on or what will happen, and always has a plan. Once she lets you in, she will give you everything.” _

_ We sat in silence for a while, focusing on our pasta dinner. I looked up at Anya. I took in what she told me about her mother and I could see it in Anya as well. She was stoic and confident, and would fight for anyone she loves.“My mom was nice and warm. She would sing to me and laugh with me. She took care of my boo boos and always had the coolest band-aids.” _

_ Anya chuckles at the last part. She had a small smile on her face but her eyes were sad. I don’t talk much about my parents but Anya was always the exception. Although, I still didn’t talk much about them cause it always made Anya sad.  _

_ “I wish things were different, squirt, but I want you to know that they are so happy that you are safe. They are so proud of the girl you are becoming and don’t you ever doubt that they love you.” Anya says sternly, really trying to push the point across. I nod and snuggle up to Anya’s side, not comfortable with the heavy atmosphere that has been created. We spent the rest of the night on the couch, watching cartoons.  _

“Alexandria Woods.” Indra Forrester stands before me, snapping me out of my day dream. She exudes confidence and professionalism, I wonder what she would look like when she is relaxing at the end of the day or if she is always this intense. I couldn’t help but think what she was like with Anya. We never did get the chance to meet before she passed, conflicting schedules and all. 

“Hi, um, Mrs. Forrester. You can call me Lexa.” I stand, running my hands across my jeans before picking up my backpack that was sitting by my feet. 

“Very well, if you follow me, we can begin your orientation.” With that, she leads me down a long hallway and into a room with a couple desks and an old tube television on a cart. “We will start with the paperwork, then you can watch the orientation video before breaking for lunch. After lunch, we will get you your uniform. Do you have any questions?”

“Um, no ma’am.” She must have heard the nervousness in my voice as her face softens slightly and I could feel myself relaxing. She gestures for me to take a seat at one of the desks. I couldn’t help but feel the nerves try to take over my body. I try to stop my fingers from wearing the hem of my shirt but then my leg would start to bounce and it was a vicious cycle to try to remain still and act composed. I knew I had the job, but I didn’t want anyone to think it was a mistake or draw too much attention to myself. 

Indra returns shortly after with all the paperwork and sits in a chair next to me. She spent a lot of time going over each page and explaining all the technical terms. I sign and fill out the pages. Indra then collects them all and places them in a folder with my name on the tab. She pushes it to the side before walking over to the television and pulling it closer towards me. 

“I will not play the orientation video. I won’t be in the room but I will return once it is finished. Did you have any questions or need anything?”Indra explains, bringing her hands together in front of her. 

“No ma’am. I believe I am good for now.” She gives me a nod before starting the video and swiftly exiting the room. The video was very informative but very boring. I took in all the information which was also just common knowledge. I knew it wasn’t going to be the most difficult job but a job is a job when you don’t have one and I will give it my all, whether it is as a cafeteria worker or a construction worker.

It was about an hour and a half later when Indra returned and the video was in the last few seconds. I remained quiet as she worked on packing up the television set and pushed it back into the corner. “Right, now we are going to break for lunch. If it is alright with you, I know a small diner we can go to that has delicious sandwiches and we could catch up.”

“Oh! Yeah, that would be nice.” 

“Terrific, I will go let everyone know I am headed to lunch and grab my stuff. I will meet you at the main entrance?”

“Of course!” I was excited to finally meet and talk with the woman who raised Anya. I collected all of my stuff and made my way out of the room and towards the main entrance. I passed the main office and saw the secretary still working away. She did look up as I passed and gave me a small smile and wave before looking back down at her work. It didn’t take long for Indra to make her way over. 

“The diner is just around the corner but we can take my car.” Indra states. I nod my agreement before opening and holding the door out for her. Indra leads me to a modest economy car. I half expected her to drive a nice, fancy car like Clarke does but it does suit her. 

Annie’s. I remember seeing this diner when I walked around town, but I never went in. It is a modest family owned diner. It was open and inviting, soft music playing overhead. We made our way to a small booth and got settled. I didn’t know what to say and Indra looked more into perusing the menu, so I followed suit. Thankfully, the prices were not too expensive and I could afford a sandwich. It would be mortifying if I couldn’t pay for my meal in front of my soon-to-be boss and mother of my once guardian. The waitress came by to take our orders and left us in an awkward silence. 

“Um, so what have you been up to the last couple of years? Last I knew, Anya told me that you were a professor at an amazing university.” I ask, breaking the silence. Indra looked at me, trying to gauge if I am genuinely interested or not.

“I was. I enjoyed my time there working with my colleagues. I mainly worked in the History and Anthropology departments. A few years after I lost Anya, I threw myself into my work and eventually needed a change. I traveled abroad and visited many third world countries to help provide school supplies and essentials. It was thrilling and eye opening for me. After I came back to the States, I decided to come face to face with the town that my daughter loved and was buried in. I saw that there was an opening at the local elementary school and I couldn’t think of doing anything other than working there and now I am here with you.” Indra explains. She glances down at the table and takes a deep breath. “I had so much anger in the beginning. Anger that my beautiful, headstrong daughter was taken from me. I didn’t know how else to feel, in fact, I didn’t feel anything else for a long time.”

“I understand. No one should have to go through that.” I didn’t know what else to say. This is the first real personal conversation I was having with this woman and I didn’t want to say anything wrong or offensive. 

“But you went through it as well. Not once and twice.” I glance up when she says that and find that Indra is staring deep into my eyes. There is a long pause as she tries to gather her words and I could see that whatever was on the tip of her tongue had been tearing her apart for years, so I waited for her to let out her deepest secret. “I was so angry at you.” Her voice breaks. “I was angry at you because I felt like you stole her from me and that was unfair. I’m so sorry.”

There was so much emotion in her voice and I could feel the unshed tears stinging my eyes. I reached across the table and took her hands in mine. “You never should be sorry for grieving. Anya was a special woman and you lost her. No one should expect you to be completely fine after losing someone you love. It is a traumatic experience, nonetheless. You are human and your feelings are validated.” 

Tears fell down her cheeks as she listened to me. I could see that she took in every work that I spoke and took it to heart. The stoic woman nods before pulling her hands away to wipe at her eyes. She clears her throat before speaking. “You have matured into an amazing young woman that I would love to get to know. I regret never meeting you sooner. Anya always spoke so highly of you.”

“Thank you. I look forward to getting to know you as well.”

Conversation flowed as we ate our lunch now that we got past the heavy stuff. I actually had a really nice time. Indra was interesting and exactly the way Anya had described. After Indra paid for our meals, much to my displeasure as she practically threw her card at the waitress who looked like a deer in headlights. We made our way back to the school to get me set up with my new uniform. I left after that, but not without Indra pulling me into a tight hug and promising that we will keep in touch. 

I made my way through town and down the familiar path to the cemetery. Moving past the rows of multiple headstones, I arrive at one of the three that I know by heart. I brush off the fallen leaves and sit down staring at the name that is engraved in my memories. “Hey Anya, sorry it’s been a while but I have some exciting news. I finally met your mom and she is wonderful. She reminds me a bit about you, or I guess you were a little bit like her. I hope that we could build a relationship between us and help mend the pieces that broke when you were taken.”

“I don’t blame her for being mad at me. There may be some truth there.” I paused and played with the hem of my shirt. “It would be hypocritical of me as well because I blamed myself as well. After my parents died, I didn’t know what to make of it. It was a freak accident. A robbery gone wrong. Until...until you were gone as well. A bomb. A fucking bomb.” The tears fell ruthlessly now and there was no point in trying to contain them. 

“I thought I was cursed. I thought that everyone that I would love would die. It was completely expected. Dr. Ryan would be so pleased with himself.” I chuckled dryly. “I bounced from home to home, which probably had you rolling in your grave as that is what you tried to prevent from that first night, but life happens. I never thought someone would ever truly love me, but I met this wonderful, gorgeous woman. She doesn’t pity me or try to shape or change me into something that I am not, but encourages me to be the best that I can be. I wish you could meet her, I know you would give her hell at first but she would melt your cold, cold heart. Life is looking up.”

I sat there for a few more hours, just enjoying the day with my once loved guardian and talking all about the little things. I told her about the paintings that Clarke created, my new and upcoming job, helping Raven with her restoration projects, and what her mom had told me about her travels. I felt the sun start to set and the temperature dropped with it, the wind picking up causing a sharp chill reaching into my bones. I gathered up my stuff and walked towards town again. 

The sun had set and it was well past dark by the time I stood in front of Clarke’s door. It started to rain really hard on my way and my clothes were soaked. I had the good sense to leave some of my more precious belongings, Mr. Buggs and Clarke’s painting from the market, in Clarke’s apartment before leaving for orientation. I didn’t want my bag to be a sore subject and really point out that I was homeless, Clarke didn’t mind me leaving them there as she practically gave me a radiant smile. 

I softly knocked and heard a rushed set of footfalls on the other side. The door groaned as it swung open swiftly, threatening to come off the hinges with excessive force. Raven stood disheveled in front of me and I grew concerned. She was breathing hard from the sprint to the door and her eyes were wide with shock and mouth hung open. 

“Lexa! Holy shit!” She embraced me in a tight hug, completely disregarding my wet clothing. “Clarke has been freaking out not knowing where you were! She’s out there driving around looking for you.”

“I’m sorry, I went to the cemetery after orientation. I didn’t know she was expecting me right after I was done with orientation.” I explained, starting to feel horrible that they were scared and worrying about me. She releases me and pulls me into the apartment. “I didn’t mean to scare you guys. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. She was worried when you weren’t here earlier and went looking for you at the park. When she didn’t find you there, she kind of started freaking out. I tried to calm her down but I got worried when it got dark and she still couldn’t find you.”

I set my bag down in the entryway and shuffled on my feet. I couldn’t look into Raven’s eyes as she frantically looked for her phone in the living room. “I’m sorry.” I whisper. Raven’s head snaps up from hearing the crack in my voice. 

“Oh, Lexa, it is fine. It’s not your fault, we just care so much for you and got worried when you still weren’t here. It’s not safe to be out alone at night and it is raining cats and dogs out there.” She says gently. “I’m going to call Clarke and let her know that you are here, and I want you to go take a hot shower and get into some dry clothes.”

“Okay.” I agree and make my way towards the bathroom. I could hear Raven talking to Clarke on the phone, letting her know that besides soaked to the bone, I was perfectly fine. I didn’t even pick out clothes, choosing to go straight to the shower instead. I turned on the water and stripped out of my wet clothing which landed with a loud smack onto the tile floor. 

I stood in the hot water for a long time, my mind running away with guilt that I had caused so much grief and fear for the two women who mean so much to me. I could feel my body warming up with the water. I quickly washed my hair, turning off the water and when I just finished wrapping myself in a towel, the door burst open. Clarke rushed in and wrapped me in her arms with as much force as she could. 

“I’m sorry.” That is all I can say as I wrap my arms, trying to pull her impossibly closer. I can feel her shove her face deeper into my shoulder and her breaths against my skin. There is no crying, just us embracing each other tightly as relief courses through Clarke. My hands started rubbing soothing circles and I could feel her breathing settle, but we still didn't let up. 

We stood there for a few minutes, taking comfort in the other. Clake pulls back ever so slightly and starts to run her fingers along the constellation tattoos on my collarbone. I kiss her forehead which causes her to look up into my eyes. She looks exhausted. I didn’t know how long she had been looking for me and my heart broke at the amount of fear that she had when she couldn’t find me. 

“I was so worried about you. I didn’t know where you were or if you were okay. I thought I was overreacting but I couldn’t get it out of my head, and then I thought that maybe you went to the park afterwards, but when I didn’t find you there I went into full panic mode.” Clarke whispers as she brings her head back to rest on my chest, going back to tracing the constellations. “I didn’t mean to panic but I didn’t know where you were and it was starting to get dark and when I didn’t have a means to call or text you, my mind spiraled.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I respond softly. “I guess I am still getting used to having other people in my life who care about me and my whereabouts. I will try my best to not scare you like that again. I promise.” We stood there for a few more minutes before I stepped back and pulled Clarke into her bedroom. 

“Um, have you eaten?” Clarke asks as she sits on the bed while I walk around the room collecting clothes to wear. I settled with a tank top and baggy shorts and set them on the edge of the bed opposite of Clarke. 

“Oh no, I ate lunch with Indra but I haven’t had anything since.” I respond softly. The blonde is looking down at her hands in her lap. I make the decision to quickly get dressed, not minding that Clarke was in the same room right now and settle down right next to her with our shoulders touching. She leans her head onto my shoulder, one of her favorite spots and sighs. I take her hands in mine and play with her fingers. “I’m sorry.” I whisper. 

“Lexa, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry, I should have checked the cemetery and not lost my mind.” Clarke is now looking at me, swinging her leg over so her body is facing me. “It’s been so long since I have cared for someone as much as I care about you. The last time I felt this scared was when my father was dying in the hospital.”

“I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I know. It’s okay, you’re home now.” She gives me a chaste but sweet kiss before leaving the bedroom, leaving me staring at the wall in shock. I don’t believe Clarke understands the weight of those words to me. Home. I haven’t had a home in so long and for some reason, I couldn’t think of any other place I would want to call home. As long as Clarke is here, this will be my home. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys like this. Let me know what you guys think!


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